What I Learned While On Vacation with My Mother in New York

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1. ) I erroneously figured that of all people on this wonderful and diverse planet, my 82 year-old Jewish Grandmother would share the same amount enthusiasm for the lamé fanny pack as I. Imagine my genuine surprise when she did not. In fact, when I showed her the image of the fanny pack online, and with high inflection said, “You want one of those?”, she wrinkled up her nose and gave me a look that said, “Do I look like a huge asshole?”. A wave of heartbreak overcame me. Of all people! The woman who wears heels to the gym!
I momentarily had forgotten that she was the sovereign of fashion in the family and she immediately washed away my forlorn with the offer of her laced trimmed black leggings (In this photo, she is wearing my nonprescription American Apparel glasses. She is being ironic).

2.) Pilots that misjudge how much fuel the airplane has and then break the door to the craft, are asked not to fly your plane any longer. In fact, the airline will ask an off-duty pilot sitting in seat 1A to fly the plane instead.

3.) No amount of alcohol drunk from tiny bottles will make you feel better about #2.
Or #1 for that matter.

4.) Since leaving my home state of New York, it appears that a bunch of *Superstars!* have taken over the place. They get their own parking spots too. They also carry around books that say, “To Serve Man” (a single piece of Slim Jim mailed to the person who can guess that reference).

5.) Apparently people stopped wearing shirts in my hometown too. So Central NY is filled with *Shirtless Superstars!* (imagine that being said very enthusiastically by someone like Nathan Lane. Or Andy Dick.)

6.) Sometimes people that you graduated high school with still live in your hometown. Sometimes they work dead-end jobs. Sometimes they look like they’ve aged twenty years. Sometimes the highlight of their week is going to the local bar.
Sometimes you really envy them for all these things.

7.) Sometimes you sound like a elitist snob.

8.) I’ve seen heaven. And it looks like a giant cheese factory off the Pacific Coast. But hanging out with this dog is a close second. Her name is Lucy and I once caught her spooning me. I’m not kidding. I woke up next to her lovingly gazing into my eyes with a single paw outstretched across my stomach.
I also didn’t recall the events of the previous evening.
While glancing towards the nightstand, I noticed a small smudge of residue on the rim of my water glass…