Writers With Boobies

Ever since I was a young’en, I naturally gravitated towards the male gender (I always fancied myself as Annie Hall talking to her psychiatrist about penis envy). I typically listen to male vocalists- David Byrne, David Bowie, Danny Elfman (I love me some men with “D” names). I read books by males- David Sedaris, Chuck Klosterman, and Bret Easton Ellis (ugh…can I get anymore disgustingly hipster?) and my favorite performers are Crispin Glover, Paul Reubens, and Gene Wilder (all whom at one point or another I had mad crushes on).

So it comes as a great and wonderful surprise that my favorite blogs are run by the most incredible people out there without penises!

If you’re one of those folks that enjoys reading blogs (when you should really be working, jackass! i see you!!!), but can never figure out where to find them, well look no further! After reading these blogs, you’ll never want to read another blog again.

The ladies behind these blogs are not only smart, witty, and beautiful (Polly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of you, but I’m sure you’re smokin’ too!), but fearless in their writing. They are writing machines, pumping out quality work almost daily and never, EVER, afraid to throw around words like “vaginas” and “penises” (that will be the fifth time I’ve used either word in my post).

PENIS!

Ok, that’s six.

Now, I’m really bad at writing summaries, synopsis, critiques, and reviews. I’m surprised I ever made it through college, really. My descriptions of objects that I enjoy ultimately turn into mono-syllabic exclamations of happiness via a 13 year-old girl, “OMG! LOVE THIS BLOG! HAVE TO READ! XOXO!” (Actually, I’ve never written anything like that in my life. I’d hang myself and pull a David Carradine before you ever caught me saying that). You get the point though. I’m not good at description. I like keeping my words short and simple. Therefore if I ever write a book, it will be roughly one page long.

So you’re going to just have to trust me on these blogs. The best I can give you tonight are free association haiku descriptions.

My Soul is a Butterfly-
Beautiful Jewess, Dorothy Parker Reincarnated
Walks the Streets of Chelsea
With a Notebook in One Hand
And a Scotch/Cigarillo/Kolache in the other
(Fuck, I SUCK at haikus. That didn’t even make any sense? I just implied that Hannah is a smoking alcoholic who stuffs pastries in her mouth while walking down the sidewalk)

The Hitch List-
Mysterious Heart
Standing On The Shorelines of Twenty-Somethingness
Spewing Words of Loveliness
I’m Pulling Shit Out Of My Ass
(I’m sorry, Polly)

Lesbifriends-
Beautiful and Bold
Witty and Wise
My Inspiration That Munching Carpet
Is The Only Way to Go
(That was kind of like a real haiku, right? RIGHT?)

Hyperbole-and-a-Half-
In The Mountains of Montana
Stands A Girl Of Enormous Wit
Actually She Stands There Every Day
And Passerbys Are Like, “Hey, Why Is That Cute, Funny Girl Standing In The Mountains All The Time?”
(I give up.)