Monthly Archives

December 2009

Writing

Obituary Birthday


The blogging community can be a gigantic ass kiss fest at times, but there is one blog that has stayed for me, and for many others, one of the best pieces of writing out there.

The very first blog that caught my attention when I dove nose first into the blogging world (is there another freakin’ word for “blog”? Cripes! I’ve used it four times already!), was My Soul is a Butterfly, written by the enigmatic Hannah Miet. I still remember the first line that reeled me in. Hannah was describing her inability to connect with the book, “Loose Girl: Memoirs of Promiscuity”:
“All I’m saying is that I can’t masturbate to your lack of father figure. And I like masturbating to books.”
I was hooked. Not only was this writer alluring, but she was smart and witty. She referenced Ernest Hemingway and talked about things most girls are afraid to suggest. A young and beautiful Woody Allen, walking the streets of New York commentating on all the quirk and poetry of the world.
Hannah, for this I hate you.

December 30, 2009 by
Writing

Scenes From A Jewish Christmas: Or What I Learned About My Family on This Trip Home

The Characters
Grandmother
Nickname: Nan, Nettie Mae, The Boss
Age: 83
Religious Affiliation: Passive Jew
Occupation: 40+ years in women’s clothing retail
Relationship Status: Twice divorced, dating Special Friend whom she began dating after suing him for medical costs after her heel got stuck in a tile in the building he owns.
Children: One daughter and one granddaughter
Likes: dressing nicely, wearing heels to the gym, and preparing beautiful meals that you cannot touch
Dislikes: “people who pretend they are something that they are not.”


Grandmother’s Special Friend

Age: 82
Nickname: Jewish American Prince, Pain in the Ass, Asshole
Religion: Passive Jew
Occupation: 40+ years in women’s clothing retail
Relationship Status: Once divorced, once widowed, dating Grandmother
Children: 3 sons, 2 stepsons, and 4 grandchildren
Likes: “people who pretend they are something that they are not and are good at it.”
Dislikes: “…you know….things…”

Lauren
Age: 26
Nickname: As a child, she self-proclaimed her nickname (more…)
December 28, 2009 by
Writing

You Can’t Take a Picture of This, It’s Already Gone

“Home is where I want to be pick me up and turn me ’round”– Talking Heads

It’s that time again.
That time of the year that you go home. To the place that you experienced your childhood. The place your Mom and Dad live. The place that has the only bed that has ever mattered.
The place that still holds onto the life that you left behind when you were told to grow up.

But each time you go home. It feels a little different. A little off.
You can’t quite put your finger on it as you stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars you affixed to your ceiling seventeen years ago.

Why don’t I feel like I’m home? This looks like my home. Those are the same stickers on the back of my door, whose exact trace has never left my fingers. Those are the same milky stains in the floorboards, whose existence came to be as Sammy aged and became incontinent. Those are the same windows that over look the highway, whose path took me away from here five years ago.

This trip you decide you’re going to dig a little deeper. Tear away (more…)

December 25, 2009 by
Austin

The World is Really Wild at Heart and Weird on Top, Lula Thought

I’m sitting in a cracked leather booth somewhere in the desert of west Texas.
I squint through the blinds and a faded sign tells me that I’m at Papa’s Pantry in Van Horn.
There are three ceiling fans in Papa’s Pantry.
They’re lazy, just like the tongue of the waitress who brings me my iced tea.
Wait, aren’t I still in Los Angeles?
Who are these two guys sitting behind me with cowboy hats?
Typically such a scene would mean I wandered onto a movie set.
But there are no lights and cameras in Papa’s Pantry.
I take a deep breathe and let out a slow exhale. Somebody has finally released the nozzle and let all the air out.
It feels good.
It feels terrifying.

I slept in Lourdsburg, New Mexico last night. A railroad town, a border town. Not a ghost walked the lone sidewalk. I drove down the main drag to one cheap motel after another. Neglected and outdated signs guiding the way. They all looked the same. Midnight and stucco. Cream and rot. Somewhere in the dark, I spotted a florescent beacon that told (more…)

December 21, 2009 by
Austin

This Must Be The Place (Not a Naive Melody)


With the new year pending, you’re probably thinking, “January 1st will be a good time to abandon the wife and child in the night and start a new life somewhere else”.

Well don’t come to Austin, TX.

Especially if you’re from L.A.

I was the last person they let in from California here in Texas. The gates are locked and they don’t want anyone else, you hear?

I’m sorry California didn’t give you your tax return this year but go to South Dakota or Idaho. The unemployment rate is ridiculously low there right now. Let me tell you, animal husbandry will be ten times more rewarding than being a corporate drone.

———————–

Austin is too good for me. I don’t deserve her.
She took me in with open arms after I tore away from the suffocating hands of Los Angeles. No questions asked. Just picked me up, brushed me off, and rocked me to sleep.
She’s still rocking me.

When people ask me, “So, how is living in Texas?” with that little grin suggesting what they’re really asking is, “So, what on Earth possessed (more…)

December 20, 2009 by
Writing

Best of ’09 According to a Shut-In Pt. 1

This will be the most uninformed “Best of List” of 2009 that you’ve read.

What is Your Favorite of ’09?
———————-

Best Movie:

“Precious”
I don’t think I’ve seen a single new movie this year.
Wow.
That’s really an amazing feat, you know?
I think the only other person to do that was my Great Aunt Stella who sat/slept in the same reclining chair and watched “Matlock” every day until she died.
Well, we see where I’m headed.
However, one movie I’ve wanted to see all year was Precious. After frequently getting up in the middle of the trailer to curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor, I haven’t been able to bring myself to see it.
What do you guys think of it?

Best Album:
“Up From Below” by Edward Sharpe and the Magentic Zeros.
Probably one of the most refreshing acts out there now. How can you not love a band that has like a gazillion members, old school instruments, travels around on a vintage bus, and has lyrics like, “Chocolate Candy Jesus Christ”?
CHOCOLATE CANDY JESUS CHRIST!
It’s (more…)
December 18, 2009 by
Writing

TSSF- Twenty-Something Shit Fest


For the love of God! I don’t think I’ve ever been this depressed before! This has to be the lowest I’ve ever felt in my entire life! I am so unbelievably lost and lonely right now! My brain hurts and my heart perpetually aches! I don’t think it can get any worse than this!

Just when I think my twenties have reached the pinnacle of patheticness, I flip through my diary and am surprised to discover the same sentences, word for word, written every couple of months for the past five years.

What the fuck?

Have I been this whiny for awhile now? Or do I just have a pension for exclamations and dramatic adjectives like most girls my age?

Can someone please explain to me why during the most exciting time in our lives, we are positively convinced that we’re doomed to a lifetime of soul-charring careers and vapid relationships that culminates in a house filled with an array of pets named after our favorite soap stars and a refrigerator covered in pictures of other people’s children? Jason and Melissa’s (more…)

December 17, 2009 by
Writing

Televangelism Fashion

Sometimes I think about turning my blog into a fashion blog.
Fashion blogs always seem to be the belle of the ball.
The hit of the party.
The slut of the kegger.
They always get the most traffic and the most comments.
Which is interesting, because they’re usually written by a doe-eyed thirteen year-old girl from Winnipeg who likes to stand pigeon-toed and wear her Grandma’s reading glasses.
Anytime I do write about fashion, it’s one of three things- vintage clothing, making fun of American Apparel, and making fun of American Apparel while forgetting that I’m wearing an entire American Apparel ensemble.
However, I thought today that I might write a fashion post for a dude named Oral.
Yes, Oral.
Oral died yesterday and I had no idea who the heck he was. In fact, I’m super hung-up on the fact that a couple decided to name their kid Oral and haven’t read anything past that.
According to CNN, he was an extremely old Evangelist.
This is very fitting because I’ve always had a thing for popular, eccentric (more…)
December 16, 2009 by
Writing

Thank You For the Big Schnoz, Great-Grandma Sophie

Like every modern vintage lovin’/aspiring DIY hipster in Austin, TX, I will attempt to sell old clothing.
Wait. “Old clothing” makes it sound smelly; like it’s been sitting in some shut-in’s trunk in the basement for 35 years. These are “carefully selected vintage styles most likely owned by old ladies who took better care of their dresses than their children”.
SGF and I did a photo shoot this weekend for my impending Etsy page. These are some out takes.
What do you all think?
Or better yet, does anyone want to buy one of these pieces?
Girl not included, but beer can definitely is.



December 14, 2009 by