Adventures of a Part-Time Floor Associate at a Hipster Clothing Store

2.) Man Foaming At Mouth– Man Foaming At Mouth came into the store to simply tell me, “You don’t know my thoughts! YOU DON’T KNOW THEM!” He would slowly let the front door close on his face, then angrily push it back open and shout again, “YOU DON’T KNOW MY THOUGHTS!” I assured him that I indeed did not know his thoughts, that no one really understood him, and that he should just let the door close on his face again.

3.) Man Who Wore Bra– Man Who Wore Bra took me off guard. He didn’t have something obvious like a symbol of pure hatred tattooed on his forehead or white build-up around his mouth. No, Man Who Wore Bra looked a lot like Conan O’Brien and most likely worked at Dell Computers. He was tall, skinny, and wearing a polo shirt and khakis. Man Who Wore Bra was in the market for a new polo shirt and tried a few on in the dressing room. After he left the dressing room, I grabbed his leftover clothing like the good drone that I am and discovered that he left a little something in there for me. His double D bra attached to one of the shirts. Mind you, this guy was maybe 160 pounds and definitely had no boobage going on. I pretended like I didn’t see it, left it on the go-back rack, and promptly walked to the front of the store. Quiet footsteps came up behind me, “Excuse me,” Conan said, “Where did you put that shirt?” I pointed to the back without looking up. He went and got his bra and left without a word. To this day I have no idea what the hell he was doing in that dressing room. I’d like to think that he is a misunderstood Ed Wood type, but I doubt it.

4.) Buffalo Bill– Buffalo Bill is the first customer I ever yelled at and told to get out of the store. Buffalo Bill likes to creep around stores in Austin and get uncomfortably close to women. In his best Ted Levine voice he’ll say something along the lines of, “You’re purty” over and over. I really wish he would say, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.” and then tuck his junk in between his legs and start flailing his arms in the air, but he hasn’t. I caught Buffalo Bill taking a picture of me on his camera phone. Shortly after he asked me if we had a restroom. I confronted Buffalo Bill about the photo he just took and he quickly ran into the dressing room and locked himself in. Certain circumstances let Buffalo Bill get away with it that time, but the next time he came into the store, I shouted, “Out! Out! Get out of the store! Creepy man!” He told me that his creepiness factor was my problem, but after suggesting I would call the police he left and has never returned with his lotion or basket.

5.) Girl Who Pissed Herself– She doesn’t deserve much text devoted to her, but in short, she stole A LOT, my awesome manager finally caught her, the police were called, and she pissed herself. Vengeance can be so sweet…and smelly.

6.) Girl Who Wrote On Mirror– Anytime a large group of females under 20 years of age enter the store, a serge of anxiety runs through me. Teenagers scare me. You have no idea what they’re capable of. Most of the time I’m convinced that they’re wielding a machete underneath their over-sized ironic sweatshirts that say “Disneyland 1983” or “Crack is Whack” on it. Teenagers are not to be trusted. Take for example the young girl who was the emo one of her group of friends. While all her friends were trying on clothing, she locked herself into the dressing room and rocked back and forth in a little ball. Her friends didn’t seem to mind. They eventually coaxed her out of the dressing room and were getting ready to leave when I noticed a message left for us. I stormed up to the girls, “Yo, your girl wrote “I want to kill myself” on our mirror.” The girls looked at us stunned. “It’s ok,” I said, “I’ll clean it up. At least it’s not poop or anything. Just go get your friend help, will you?” I guess there is really nothing funny about this situation. However, that didn’t stop me from taking a picture.