What I’ve Learned From The Men I’ve Dated

I realized the other day that it’s been seven years since my longest relationship ended.

I also realized that in between that time, I’ve dated:

Besides the accidental Apple Store employee who I wasn’t trying to hit up for his discount during the release of the iPhone 3G, though I should have, do you notice a trend?

“What are you talking about?! I don’t notice a trend at all!” I’d tell my mother when she’d point this out to me time after time again. However, it took writing the list out in an IM to a friend recently for the realization to sink in like a drunk semi swerving off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Digesting these two bits of information forced me to reflect back on what I have learned throughout my dating experiences. What have I learned through the years of dating men who enjoy their guitars, their cameras, their computers, or their phones more than me? Men who spend more time daydreaming out of their 1st class airplane seats, Four Seasons Hotel rooms, cramped studio apartments, shoddy vans, or parent’s basements than me? Men who’ve dumped me as soon as they got me and men I’ve dumped because I felt my time on this planet was better spent reading a book?

The answer is plenty.

Below is a list of little bits of dating wisdom I’ve learned from the men I’ve had relationships with, dated, had dinner with, or hooked up with (which has only been twice and considered failure by all parties involved because I hate everything about the ideology of hooking up, the word “hooking up”, and the act of hooking up…there! I said it!)

1.) That it is physically impossible for a 5 year-old to build a bunker underneath his house equipped with electricity and a reading room by himself, even though I may have believed it at the time. (Age 5-8, NY)

2.) That when my family forces me into a relationship that I’m just not into, I begin thinking there is something wrong with me. Like I should like any boy who gives me any bit of attention even though deep down I’m convinced he’ll bring a machete into a crowded area. (Age 15-16, NY)

3.) a.) That I can fall in love with someone and b.) That just because I love someone, doesn’t mean that I’m in love with them anymore and sometimes I just need to know when to end it. (Age 17-21, NY)

4.) Adults will disappoint you and you will forgive them, until you reach an age where you realize you’re now a responsible adult and some people just don’t make good human beings. (Age 21-22, CA)

5.) That adderall and alcohol may make it difficult for some men to get it up. (Age 22-24 in haphazard intervals, CA)

6.) That mother issues and alcohol may make it difficult for some men to get it up. (Age 22, CA)

7.) That though I consider myself a very open-minded person, a Republican from Texas who likes to get “mani’s & pedi’s” can really test my limits. (Age 23, CA)

8.) That what they say about vegans is right… (Age 23, CA)

9.) That, unfortunately, a man can be the most beautiful blond hair, blue eyed creature that’s walked this green Earth and have the IQ of an inbred squirrel (Age 23, CA)

10.) a.) That while wearing a three-piece suit and living in a cabin in the foothills of Angeles National Forest may make you interesting (and really hot in both a temperature and aesthetic sense), it does not make you emotionally mature. In fact, I’m not sure how the vacant stare and frequency of shoving your thumb into the dirt to calm yourself down didn’t tip me off in the first place b.) That neurotic men captivate me. (Age 24, CA)

11.) That successful comedians are often not funny. (Age 24, CA)

12.) That, unfortunately, a man can be the most beautiful dark hair, dark eyed creature that’s walked this green Earth and have the personality of comatose squirrel. (Age 25, CA)

13.) That a man will say, in the same sentence, “I don’t really like you, but can I still use your discount at work?” (Age 25, TX)

14.) a.) That older men in Austin sometimes treat you with the respect you deserve b.) That older men in Austin sometimes like to sit around smoke weed or drink and suspend themselves in an arrested state of development. (Age 25, TX)

15.) a.) That a man might wake me up at 6AM jumping on the bed, blaring rap music in my face b.) That he may not understand why I don’t like him waking me up at 6AM blaring rap music in my face c.) That he may want to get a tattoo of a an underage Japanese girl getting raped on his arm d.) That he may not understand why I think that is the most terrible thing I’ve ever heard in my life. (Age 26, TX)

16.) a.) That I can actually lay next to someone and not think about anything else but that moment (Age 26, TX)

…Tell me what you’ve learned from your dating experiences!