I’d say about 90% of people wait until the last friggin‘ possible minute to get their Halloween costume. I know this because having worked at a clothing store that is popular around Halloween time encourages every asshole to come in the day of wanting to dress like a 70’s porn star or an 80’s aerobic instructor and they think they’re the first person on the planet to ever come up with that idea.
Some people wait until the last minute because they have no idea what the hell they’re going to wear.
If you’re one of those people, then look no further.
I have your one-stop last minute hipster Halloween costume go-to guide below.
First, if you’re a good hipster, you will already have these items in your collection:
1.) top hat
2.) mustaches of various shapes and colors
3.) bow ties
4.) ties
5.) suspenders
6.) suits- two piece and three piece and of various color and material
7.) horn-rimmed glasses
8.) loafers
9.) vest
10.) Wayfarers
11.) wigs of various shapes and colors- particularly a Justin Bieber wig
12.) fur coat
13.) silk scarves
14.) doo-rag
All of these items must be stored in an old traveling trunk plastered in stickers that you found at a thrift store a long time ago. If you don’t own these items, you are not a genuine hipster (and you’re probably very happy about that).
For more ideas, also check out last week’s post, “Halloween Costume Ideas for Girls with Penis Envy”.
Last Minute Hipster Halloween Costume Ideas
Ira Glass– Two piece suit, tie, horn-rimmed glasses, silver hair spray, Woody Allen dialect.
Rachel Maddow– Two piece suit, Justin Bieber wig with bangs combed up, wit and sarcasm.
Jimmy McMillan– suit with “Rent Is Too Damn High” written all over it, doo-rag with “Rent Is Too Damn High” all over it, epic side burn-to-mustache-to-soul patch facial hair, sass.
David Byrne– XXL suit, hangar contraption to hold suit up, horn-rimmed glasses, vacant expression and monotone voice.
David Bowie– too many Bowies to count, but if you want early 70’s Bowie- any sort of shiny bodysuit, Justin Bieber wig teased, gold make-up, shaved eyebrows, giant cock…er, I mean sock in crotch of bodysuit.
Bret Easton Ellis Character and/or 80’s James Spader– white linen suit with no shirt, loafers, Wayfarers, ring of blood around nostrils, Justin Bieber wig with highlights or slicked back, indifference and ambivalence.
Chuck Bass– white suit or any velour, wildly colored suit, shirt that only buttons to your diaphragm, silk scarf, furrowed eyebrows, smugness, and stifled British accent.
Truman Capote– white suit or any velour, wildly colored suit, vest, bow tie, horn-rimmed glasses, floppy hat, pinky ring, high-pitched voice, and ability to talk incessantly about yourself.
Little Edie– fur coat, doo-rag with broach, faux-aristocratic Hamptons accent, 40 cats on your arms.
Laura Palmer– 20 tons of Saran wrap, white make-up, blue lipstick, eyes closed, and no talking.
Ernest Hemingway– gigantic beard, turtle-neck wool sweater, rum bottle, misogyny.
Zach Galifianakis– gigantic beard, turtle-neck wool sweater, rum bottle, self-deprecation and awkwardness. Oh, and pregnant bump.
Gram Parsons– 70’s embroidered button-up shirt, shell necklace, Justin Bieber wig with minor extensions, an acoustic guitar, a pocket full of LSD, and an extreme love of UFOs and the Joshua Tree.
Tell me your ideas!
9 Comments
I think Ira and Rachel could be pulled from the same costume.
I love this.
Hahaha, I particularly like the Ernest Hemingway idea. Best start working on my beard.
I REALLY like the Laura Palmer idea, since it's super "on the cheap" since my bank statement is telling me I'm a broke ass loser. I was thinking of wrapping myself in caution tape and going as GaGa from "telephone" but then I wanted to punch myself in the face. In college, I wore a white tube dress and got orange and yellow fabric and hot glued it on…instant candy corn. Super corny. Mission accomplished.
Damn it, I need to get me one of those trunks. I guess I'm not a hipster, after all…
I think I may wear my funny looking Alpaca sweater and be a female Zack Galfinakis on one of the days I go out. Thanks!
Spirit Halloween store locator
Spirithalloween.com
Hell, I wish that I was Ira Glass!! But as with David Bryne, I am simply to broad shouldered and muscular to be either one.
This was a true 'hipstercritical' post!!
I could probably pull off the Zach Galifinakis on the basis of the rum and sweater alone. 🙂
What about Margot Tenenbaum…or any of the Tenenbaums!
Haha I love the David Bowie idea!!