Last Minute Father’s Day Gift Ideas for the Lazy Child

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I’m not really sure what men like.

According to every Father’s Day gift guide out there they only like five things: tools, meat, TV remotes, wine, and iPhones. This sounds like the makings of a really big asshole right there. A Dad who enjoys spending more time a.) watching TV, b.) drinking c.) playing on his phone than spending time with you.

I didn’t grow up with a man in the house so when I date someone or visit a male friend’s house, I’m utterly fascinated by the things they own. After using the restroom, I’ll sometimes linger just to look at all the man oddities in their bathroom cupboards. Things like aftershave and nose hair trimmers are foreign objects to me. Sometimes I’ll play around with these things. Sometimes I’ll get caught and asked what the hell I’m doing. I then explain that my father abandoned me as a child and that they should leave me alone. The ol’ “abandoned by the father card” works every time.

Speaking of which….my Dad is visiting me tomorrow and I’m not sure what to buy him for Father’s Day.

I know my Dad likes Lonesome Dove. A lot. He also likes Somewhere in Time, which my mother and I always thought was comical. I guess this is the same part of my Dad that cried while watching Drop Dead Fred. Another thing my Mom and I thought was comical about my Dad is when he “lost” a piano he was hired to play on a private boat party. My Dad went to get a drink and came back to discover that the piano had jumped ship and sunk to the bottom of the ocean with all the other rogue pianos. My father did not find this funny, but his ex-wife and child certainly shot some milk out the nose with this one.

I know my Dad gets these “whims” and gets really into something like recumbent biking or weed growing for the state of California, but he’s over those whims just as quickly as he’s into them. Sometimes he never even starts them, which I hope is the case regarding weed growing.  We both have a great love for the Marx Brothers, George Gerswhin, Gene Wilder, and Mel Brooks. In other words, if you’re a Jew and you’re funny or make music, my father and I really really like you.

If you’re having difficulty finding a gift for your Dad, like me, then take a look at these AMAZING suggestions below:

BBQ-scented man perfume $24.95
Because every man on the planet loves meat, duh. They love cooking it, they love eating it, they love rubbing it all over their bodies. If you’re tired of picking charred gristle out of your bed, then look no further than the Que Barbeque Cologne. Women will not be able to resist the “intoxicating bouquet of spices, smoke, meat, and sweet summer sweat.” Animals certainly won’t either. In fact, if you’re planning a trip to Yellowstone or Big Bend soon I’d tell Dad not douse himself in pork-flesh scent.

Let’s Panic About Babies $9.04
Or: “How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain, and Finally Turn You into a Worthwhile Human Being.” This book is the perfect gift for any new and absolutely terrified dad. This book is written by a couple of bloggers so you know it must be quality. If it isn’t, at least he’ll have a cool coffee table book where a baby shoots lasers out of it’s eyes.

Short shorts  $15
Does your Dad not want to let go of the care-free early 80’s where men could wear junk-strangling shorts and fanny packs? Is your Dad that Dad that is secretly gay and everyone knows it but him? Then why not help your Dad liberate himself from the confines of societal norms with American Apparel’s Thick-Knit Jersey P.E. Short.? He’ll thank you and you’ll thank him for the photo op you send to Dad in Short Shorts.

Remember when you were a little kid and you asked Mommy why Daddy would stare at his high school football trophies crying? Remember when you used to lie awake at night praying to God that your Daddy no longer danced to Whitney Houston in his underwear when friends came over to visit? Remember the day you finally gave into the fact that your Dad is a raging alcoholic and no amount of intervening or rehab will change that? Then why not tell your Dad that you’ve thrown in the towel with a flask/cigarette case duo? He’ll certainly love you for it, but Mom might disown you.