How To Plant a Garden and Become One With the Earth

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I’m building a garden because 1.) I spend way too much time on the internet and want to “Get my hands in the dirt and become one with the Earth” 2.) Want to feel the pride and sweat of eating homegrown vegetables 3.) I’m bored and it’s better than drinking red wine and watching Youtube videos of tigers eating pizza boxes 4.) There was a giant hole in the yard, some cinder blocks and some bags of dirt that needed a home rather than being strewn across the yard.

I made a garden once when I was in college in Upstate New York. Much like this time around, I didn’t read a gosh damn single book, article or sentence about how to grow stuff, so I mainly ended up with rabbit-gorged lettuce, some bland corn, tomatoes (which I don’t like) and one eggplant. This time I’m growing lettuce (I think all the rabbits in Texas have gone extinct), basil, fennel (I think it’s too late in the planting season for fennel), chives (think it’s too late for that too) and I don’t remember what else.

So far everything is going well. My seeds are starting to sprout, I’ve actually built the garden (the biggest feat) and I haven’t abandoned the project yet like I do most things. Maybe one day I can actually trust myself as a mother.

Here is my step-by-step guide on how you can build a garden too!

1.) Dig a hole. Luckily, I didn’t have to dig diddily-squat because there was a giant hole in the yard from when we shot our movie, Loves Her Gun, last fall. You don’t actually have to dig a hole. I lied. You can either make a raised bed garden or just turn up some soil and plop some more soil in mounds on top of it. Depends on what you’re trying to do. What are you trying to do, hmm?

2.) Lay some cardboard down if you’re worried about crack needles and used condoms, like I am. I initially was going to lay garbage bags down, but when I realized that they’re perfumed, I thought, “Shit, I’m sure the chemicals on plastic bags are way more dangerous than whatever 30 year-old Hep C is sitting in the yard.”

3.) Put cinder blocks around the cardboard. Make sure you wear gloves. I didn’t and now I have thumbs that look like someone put them through a cheese grater.

4.) Pour dirt and compost into your hole. Again, wear gloves. Never quite sure when the compost you’re playing with has manure in it and then you go and scratch your eyeball.

5.) Take a break and wonder why the hell your back feels like that of an 80 year-old.

6.) Stick a found Longhorn skull in your garden. Now you’re done with that part for now.

7.) Wait for your plants to sprout to the perfect size. I’m not sure what that size is.

8.) Realize that you forgot to label your seeds so you have no idea what is sprouting.

8.) Stick your sprouted plants in your hole.

9.) Water them and say sweet nothings to them.

10.) Watch your food and herbs grow and cry for their birth. Then eat them!

11.) If you actually look to me for gardening guidance, I can’t guarantee what will happen.

I’m going to take Sustainable Food Center’s FREE Organic Gardening Workshop to learn how to actually garden. You should too!

 

Hello, little sprouted seeds! How are you today?

My garden! Er, soon-to-be garden.

 

Let’s call him Billy.

This idea I got from Apartment Therapy. I’m planning on adding some herbs and cacti to this. Also thinking of painting it turquoise. Does it look ugly? Tell me! TELL ME!!!