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Dear Mr. Joe,
DUDE! WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU OPENING UP IN AUSTIN, HUH?!?!
Excuse me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. Let me regain my composure.
I’m just really really anxious about your impending arrival in our fair city.
Last year, you teased us with the news of your future opening in Austin like a laser pointer being aimed straight above a cat’s face.
YOU, SIR, ARE THE STUPID LASER POINTER AND WE ARE THE CATS!
YOU LEFT US AIMLESSLY PAWING AT THE FRIGGIN’ WALLS, oops, sorry, I mean, you left us aimlessly pawing at the walls, hoping, praying that we will somehow feel your physical presence.
Your establishment is a big deal to us Austinites since at one point or another we’ve experienced you in another city.
We got to try your fine $2.99 libations and magical cookie butter and the luscious tastes have never left our trembling lips.
You left an impression on us, sir. We dream about you often, in tropical Technicolor of reds, yellows and blues.
We rock ourselves to sleep in our Hawaiian shirts, dreaming of the day when your doors open and we can finally get our hands on the most delicious frozen orange chicken created my Mankind (or tiny elves?).
Why do you tease us so?
WHAT’S YOUR DEAL, YO?!?
Sorry what I meant to say is, I have so many questions for you besides when you’re opening your store, sir.
Will there be parking? Will I risk watching my life flash before my eyes as I’m trampled by hundreds of transplant New Yorkers/Angelenos, hipsters and ex-hippy mothers on the first day of opening? Will I be able to balance a menage a trois between you and my favorite grocery store Wheatsville? Is your pumpkin cream cheese made from discarded Halloween pumpkins? What is this pain on my right side? Will I ever write a book? Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone?
WHEN THE F CAN I STEP FOOT INTO YOU, HUH?!
My apologies, I’m getting flustered.
There is so much I want to talk to you about, Mr. Joe.
Like, who does your sweet clothing design? The hibiscus flowers are a nice touch.
Who makes your food? I’d like to think that you enslave several of Santa’s ex-elves on an island and force them to use their magic to create your entire inventory line. I’d also like to think when I’m eating your stone ground salt and pepper dark chocolate, I’m also tasting the sweat from the fingers of tiny elves.
Or are you, Mr. Joe, actually a trader? Do you sail your S.S. Speculoos to remote lands where you give salt, oats and corn to the local in exchange for their native macaroni and cheese TV dinners?
But I guess these questions will have to wait.
Please hurry up and get here soon.
I CAN’T TAKE THIS SUFFERING ANYMORE!
Your truly,
Lauren
8 Comments
This post speaks to me more than anything else. Ever. Did you hear they have CRUNCHY speculoos now?! Good Lord. TRADER JOES COME HERE NOW
We are supposed to be getting one in Baton Rouge this year. Everyone is super excited!
I may have shed a tear when I saw the TJ’s website now has a 2014 Austin opening date. Meanwhile you can get Biscoff’s smooth and crunchy cookie butter at Central Market South and some Randall’s stores in town.
I continue contemplating a trip to DFW TJ’s but will instead just beg family to send coffee, Joe-Joe’s and pumpkin butter as needed.
[…] Trader Joe’s, why are you not in Austin?! […]
We recently had one open in Salt Lake City. People were freaking out about it, and I made the horrible mistake of dropping in during the first month they were open. Can you say Mad House?
Honestly, I wasn’t too impressed. I think the only redeeming features are delicious prepared food, and two buck chuck. Sadly Utah doesn’t allow the sale of wine in a grocery store.
Indeed. They don’t write, they don’t call…
Okay, so I know this sounds wacky BUT I live way up in Amarillo (yes it’s in Texas) We have a bunch of girls that jump into the biggest suburban we can find and drive 4 hours to Santa fe New Mexico just for Trader Joe’s. We bring coolers and wipe the store out. Once we leave there is no more cookie butter, espresso pillows, thai lime cashews, vanilla macaroons (they taste like Lucky Charms marshmallows without the damn cereal, thank me later) 2buck chuck and much much more. Then we eat fabulous make you sweat mexican food and drive all the way home laughing big evil laughs. Because we are the DEALERS in Amarillo for the Trader Joe addicts.
You my dear are a hoot!Found your blog when I was looking up the target date for TJ in Austin (as I’m headed that way and cab’t live w/o TJ)!!!
Wish I could be a TJ ‘dealer'(like Andrea & friends)…on my next trip to Austin as I’ll be there Tuesday and could use the gas money!!! Kidding..
Please don’t hate me because I live perched on the hillside in Point Loma and on my brief (visually stimulating) journey in paradise (that words cannot describe..as if you could even begin to capture any of its essence as it’s definitely an in person in real time must do bucket list experience) as I am filled with gratitude as I head to my local TJ….and I tam blessed to take in the amazing, breath taking views of downtown, San Diego Bay, the Coronado bridge between downtown & Coronado Island, sparkling little marinas along Shelter Island & Harbor Island dotted with boats galore, the golden hillsides of Old Town, North Island with it’s F18’s and stealth helicopters practicing at the naval station taking off over the…all while I’m watching the US Navy ships leisurely hang a left at the Old Point Lima Lighthouse at the Cabrillo National Monument at Fort Rosecrans . ..to leave the cool waters if the Pacific ocean behind as they turn into the bay with dolphins leading the way performing aerial acrobatics just in front on the ship’s bow …as the sailors head back to home port…those massive vessels looking like giant gray rubber duckies as they pass my way dodging sailboats and yachts filling the harbor….and sadly my door to door distance to my beloved Liberty Station Trader Joe’s is only 1232 steps (so my pedometer reads) or about ONE minute by car…neither of which burns enough calories to negate any of my decadent little favorites (like TJ Dark Chocolate Carmel Wedges..2 good sized pieces = 60 satisfying calories)… just saying..I’m headed to Austin (lived there 38 years) before coming back home to San Diego in 2012 (by the way…you ‘got this’when it comes to running down the Austin stark and ever so sad realities and oh so cleverly telling it better than almost any native Austinite I know ever could or would)…doing the YOU go girl dance in your honor….and send me your TJ ‘must have’ list sweetie as I’d be honored to bring you a few things to tide you over until fall when the Rollingwood TJ on Bee Caves Rd is rumored to be opening in Westlake ( go figure). Love your blog…it’s official… I am already addicted (kinda like cookie butter if you know what I mean) and can’t wait for the next one..so please keep them coming!!!! XOXOXO blowing you bright pink kiostick kisses and please get me your TJ lust list asap. 😉