The 5 Hottest U.S. Presidents

• Tweet

• Tweet

It’s President’s Day, everyone!

Wait, it is President’s Day, right?

Once you’re out of grade school all these holidays kind of meld together.

And since I’m no longer in grade school, I’m going to celebrate President’s Day by discussing the hottest leaders to ever grace our country’s history!

Who is your POTUS crush and why?

John F. Kennedy

Why He’s Hot:
– During WWII, his boat, PT 109, was cut in half and sank, but that didn’t slow down ol’  mean dog JFK. No, that man swam to a remote island pulling his badly hurt shipmate with his mo-fo’ing teeth.
– There was no food or drinking water on the island, so like a boss, Kennedy swam 4  kilometers to a nearby island for food and water and then swam back to take the men to another island with food and water.
– He and his shipmates survived on coconuts for six days. For those six days, Kennedy’s potassium levels were excellent.
– He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1957 for his book Profiles in Courage.
– He created the Peace Corps in 1961.
– He was the youngest president ever elected (43 years of age).
– He wore cardigans and was stupid handsome.
– He made saying words like “cah” (car) and “pahk” (park) sound sexy.

Theodore Roosevelt

Why He’s Hot:
– He was the first president to receive the Nobel Peace Prize (for his work in ending the Russo-Japanese War).
– He was the first president to travel abroad.
– He liked to skinny-dip during the winter-probably with his Nobel Peace Prize around his neck.
– Roosevelt was our youngest president to take office (at 42, he became president after McKinley was assassinated).
– He was once shot while giving a speech; since the impact of the bullet was softened by his eyeglass case and thick notes AND he wasn’t coughing up blood, Roosevelt decided to continue on with the speech (a cue Werner Herzog later took).
– He once rode a moose. Or maybe he rode moose everyday, naked, with his Nobel Peace Prize around his neck.
– He spoke French in a German accent.
– After finding out that President McKinley has been shot, Roosevelt decided to go on vacation in Mount Marcy anyways. A park ranger had to hunt him down later and tell him that McKinley was actually dying.

Abraham Lincoln

Why He’s Hot :
– He was the first president to let his inner Mountain Man facial hair be free.
– He liked the idea of women voting.
– He issued the Emancipation Proclamation.
– He appreciated animals and wasn’t into hunting and for that, poor little Lincoln was made fun of.
– He liked to wrestle and swing axes (to compensate for playing with animals).
– He went to school for only 18 months and was primarily self-educated.
– He had an interesting sense of humor that he was not afraid to share on his business cards (see above).

Bill Clinton

Why He’s Hot:
– He played the saxophone. THE SAXOPHONE!
– He was a Rhodes Scholar.
– He was impeachment-proof!
– To amp up his street cred, he used to have an office in Harlem.
– He won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album for Children in 2004.
– An excellent speech-giver, he could smooth talk the panties right off of you.
– He created the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993.
– He was the first  president with the most women and minorities appointed to cabinet.
– He married a woman cooler than he is.
– He is left-handed.

Barack Obama

Why He’s Hot:
– He is the first black president of the United States!
– He was civil rights attorney.
– He takes his basketball seriously.
– He won Grammys for Best Spoken Word Album in 2006 (Dreams From My Father) and 2008 (The Audacity of Hope).
– He was so cool, he worked at Baskin-Robbins as a teenager LIKE THE REST OF US.
– He married a woman hotter than he is.
– He is left-handed.

Honorable mentions:
Jimmy Carter- He put solar panels on the roof of the White House.
Franklin D. Roosevelt- Got us out of a huge freakin’ depression.