35 Ways to Find Happiness From Someone Totally Unqualified

Follow these easy tips and you’ll have your shit together in no time.

I’m not an expert on anything, except for maybe naps (they’re really, really good for you), but because I’m a Writer on Medium, I’m actually an expert on everything and today I’m going to share with you 35 foolproof ways to find happiness.

1. Stop being depressed, first and foremost.
2. Stop dating bartenders.
3. If you are a bartender, stop being one.
4. Stop buying recycled toilet paper. (This is more so to make your butt happy.)
5. Stop looking at your phone all of the time.
6. Stop perusing the Internet all of the time.
7. Stop comparing yourself to others.
8. JUST.
9. STOP.
10. DOING THINGS.
11. OK?
12. Take a nap.
13. Polish off a bottle of red and take a five-hour nap.
14. Polish off a bottle of red and put Purple Rain on the record player.
15. Wait, don’t. When you realize you can’t dance or sing like Prince, you’ll fall into deep funk. (Trust me.)
16. Those $45 crystals aren’t going to work. Buy the $5 crystals. They aren’t going to work either, but at least you’ll save $40.
17. Make money. Whoever said “Money can’t buy you happiness” was obviously wealthy and could buy themselves as much charcuterie and cheese platters as they wanted.
18. Exercise?
19. Saying “Namaste” often seems to make people happy. Or at least gives the impression to others that you’re happy. We know that people who have to hear “Namaste” from others all the time become unhappy, so make sure to only say it to people wearing lululemon or linen harem pants.
20. Drink lots of water.
21. Or whiskey.
22. Whiskey on the rocks is a good compromise.
23. Volunteer your time helping others. Even if they don’t want help, give it to them anyways. It will make you feel better and that’s what is important here.
24. Be grateful! You ungrateful asshat.
25. Go after your dreams, like the one where you rode naked on a flying elephant to New York Fashion Week.
26. Read online lists of things to do to make yourself happy written by POO — People Offering Opinions. These lists always work.
27. Smile more often.
28. Seriously — SMILE. Don’t you know you look like a cold bitch otherwise?
29. Teach yourself something new every day, like why dogs eat their own poop.
30. Stay clear of negativity.
31. In other words, avoid the news, avoid family get-togethers and avoid human beings.
32. Just go move somewhere off the grid in New Mexico. It seemed to have worked for Georgia O’Keeffe.
33. If you do move to off-the-grid New Mexico, you might have to rely on those crystals for health care. So maybe do spring for the $45 ones instead.
34. Quit your job. It’s really easy, especially when you’re white and come from a well-to-do family.
35. And if none of these tips work, go to the beach, have a random stranger take a picture of you jumping in the air, post the photo on social media and give the world the illusion that you‘re really f’ing happy.