I decided not to go to Europe.
It was a tough decision to make, but the only affordable option I had was to go next week for a few days capped by 25+ hour travel days. Thinking about that made my head spin. The only reason why I would go is because I want to see Geoff. I miss him terribly. A couple of days in Europe is no way to see Europe. I will get to Europe one day when I have the money and the time and the travel partner.
I was very disappointed in myself for not being more “spontaneous” and just going to Europe, but compounded by my fear of flying, the whole situation was making my anxiety debilitating. As I get older, I’m learning what makes me comfortable and what doesn’t. I’m also learning when I’m just being a big pussy. It’s a hard thing to admit when you’ve always thought of yourself as an adventurous person. Compared to my boyfriend, I’m not adventurous. He will go swim with sharks, climb suicide cliffs and get purposely lost in extreme natural settings. I feel the need to keep up with him, but situations like that go against my inner voice who is screaming, “I will fucking disown you if you swim with sharks!”. I’m in the processing of understanding that it’s ok if I want to hang back on the beach, stand at the bottom of the cliff or not spend half my travel time on multiple planes to Europe.
I’ve beaten myself up over this decision, but I standing confident in that I finally made a decision. So, enough of that.
“Just wait until you have real problems to deal with,” my father reminded me yesterday.
The point of this post is about how long distance relationships suck major ass.
How the f do people do it?
Having Geoff gone has made me run the emotional gamut and I’m not quite sure why. I’ve been depressed, angry, giddy and optimistic and he’s only gone 3 months!
I know this is a good test for our relationship and blah blah blah, yeah, shove it! This Sucks with a capital “S”. I miss that face.
When people in Austin tell me that they’re dating someone in NYC or LA or Omaha, I smile politely, but inside I’m thinking, “What the f is the matter with you?!”
I understand that in your 20s, work and monetary situations can cause two people to be apart and I also understand that one or the other partner doesn’t want to uproot their life just for a relationship. But, shit! How much does it suck not to have that person to hold onto, to hug, to kiss, to turn to when you’re sad, to turn to when you’re happy and to share adventures with? How much does it suck when you look at pictures of them having a lot of fun and you’re not there to have fun with them?
How much does Skype suck? Whomever invented Skype should be branded in the ass. I’ve had issues with Skype ever since my boss in Hollywood forced me to use it when he traveled overseas. It’s distracting having a tiny version of yourself staring back at you while you’re trying to have a conversation with someone else. It’s a recovering narcissist’s worst nightmare!
I’m enjoying all the work I’m getting done and becoming reacquainted with myself, but having Geoff as a partner in crime is so much more fun.
I’m dating an artist and I’m kind of an artist and I need to remind myself that artists don’t lead normal lives. They go to Portugal for three months (Geoff) or shoot movies that take up their time (Geoff) or write books and lock themselves in closets (Me in the future) or get moody and take lots of naps (Me). I’ve never been normal, I don’t want to be normal and I want to live a fantastical life, so why do I want anything but right now?
46 Comments
I did long distance for the first two years of my current relationship, and it wasn’t so bad. But now we’ve been together here in Austin for three years… and he’s about to leave me for three month to live in Colorado. Long distance is so much easier when you’re not quite sure what you’re missing. Now, I think long distance is going to drive me absolutely crazy.
Haha. Colorado is not so far though! Are you planning on visiting him?
I can 100% relate to this. My boyfriend moved to Colorado in January and after driving myself crazy the past few months, I finally decided to pick a date and move out there. I can’t do long distance any more! It’s hard! While I don’t want to be the girl who moves for a guy, it’s the solution I’ve come up with.
My boyfriend is also an artist and I try to remind myself the same thing.
Good for you! I think there are girls who just move somewhere for a guy and then there are girls (and guys) who move somewhere because they have a strong relationship and want to make it work.
No one could have been more afraid to fly around the world than I was — but I really wanted to go. I made it with my “Flight Prescription” — a combination of xanax and ambien. Start taking a half of xanax before the first flight. Then alter the meds (half a pill) every four hours. If it’s a long flight, you will sleep for much of it. (On short flights, I just stick with xanax and take a whole one before the plane takes off.)
Good to know! 😉 Might try it next time.
Boyfriend in Australia, me in South Africa. 3 years now. It doesn’t get easier, trust me. And I’ve gotten to the point where that Skype ringtone actually physically agitates me.
Be happy you have a goal, an end point, you know after a certain amount of time, he’ll be back. Not having that goal, can make your life miserable.
But you do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do. That’s what my gran tells me anyway.
Good luck and hang in there. xxx
Wow! That’s incredible! You guys deserve some sort of award! How often do y’all see each other?
We try for every 6 months or so. This year unfortunately, I’m doing honours, so it’ll only be in December next. 🙁
Damn, girl. Yes, an award is in order.
I did the long distance relationship..3 times! One guy from Australia, one guy from Luxembourg and one guy from Canada..it was pretty hard, well..not the Luxembourg guy…I didn’t like him very much. I ended up marrying the Canadian though…totally worth those awful sleepless nights, those sick feelings of fear that it won’t work out, and those long waits for couch cuddling, sleeping with one leg tossed over your s/o, and the hugs from behind while you are chopping tomatoes. However, at some point..face that fear and have an adventure! 😉
Thanks for sharing, Kimberly. You made me feel better! 🙂
that’s sweet. I wish mine could turn out like you and your Canadian 🙂
Miss hipstercrite..glad I could help. 🙂
Naomi, you never know what life has in store for you, dear. 😉
Routine. My fiancée (we’ve been dating for over four years) lives in central Europe and I’m on west coast USA. She can be here for a max of three months at a time; me there for just two to three weeks (family here). It’s been a long road. We’re getting married this year and then finally, finally we’ll be able to be together (she’s moving here).
But we talk every day, and have for four years. Modern technology made this relationship possible. Skype. FaceTime. iMessage and before that WhatsApp. We can spontaneously send text, voice, video, photos, etc to each-other and we do. We each say good morning every morning when we wake up, and goodnight before we go to bed. If we can’t video chat we’ll at least send a tiny text “kiss kiss goodnight”. It’s extremely rare we go a full 24 hours without some kind of communication.
Yes it sucks, but as the saying goes… “Getting older sucks. But it’s better than the alternative”. Same here. I’d rather deal with this than not have her in my life.
You found someone. If this someone is really that special, that you’d go through this for him, then consider yourself exceptionally lucky. Not everyone finds someone in life.
Wow, that’s incredible, Joseph. Good for you and congratulations! I do consider myself lucky. Geoff is an amazing person. As much as this sucks, I’m willing to go through it. I know I’ll see him soon! (wish it was sooner than later).
I did long distance for YEARS. My boyfriend played baseball and was always gone and traveling and I had a job in a city that was so far away so I would see him for a weekend (which was more like a few hours) here and there but barely. And then we would see each other once every SIX months when I went to grad school because it was so expensive. And it sucked. And it was so hard. But we had built amazing communication skills and a schedule. No matter what, he called me at night before bed pre days of ghcat and skype. Then we would skype and gchat all the time and that made it easier but it was still hard. I think that the only thing that helps is that knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the distance isn’t forever.
Christin, that is a lot of time apart! I give you major kudos! Geoff and I chat every day, even if it’s just for a little bit. The time difference doesn’t help and he doesn’t have a phone there though. 🙁
My fella and I started up as a long distance endeavor. We were able to keep it up for 2 years before I went totally bananas and moved to LA. Both of us leave town a lot (he’s a touring musician, I’m a writer), but at least we’re coming home to the same place fairly often.
Fuck Skype.
The climax of my long-distance madness was definitely a night where I called him at 3 in the morning (to be fair, only 12 his time) to scream “Do you know how much I hate the fucking phone! FUCK THIS PHONE. I want your FACE!”
So, yeah. Feel ya, girl.
Hmm…initial comment was full of profanity. Editing a bit.
My fella and I started up as a long distance endeavor. We were able to keep it up for 2 years before I went totally bananas and moved to LA. Both of us leave town a lot (he’s a touring musician, I’m a writer), but at least we’re coming home to the same place fairly often.
Screw Skype.
The climax of my long-distance madness was definitely a night where I called him at 3 in the morning (to be fair, only 12 his time) to scream “Do you know how much I hate the f-ing phone! F THIS PHONE. I want your FACE!”
So, yeah. Feel ya, girl.
Maggie, this blog is a profanity encouraged zone. Please swear away! Haha. I fucking hate the phone and Skype sooo much.
Relationships are all about being close to someone, and not just in spirit. You did well.
/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
Thanks, Avy!
A few years back, I had the opportunity to participate in an exchange program sponsored by my employer. It would require me to live in the Czech Republic for a year. I talked it over with my then-boyfriend (now husband) and he didn’t hesitate to tell me to go. We were lucky that his job required a few business trips to Germany and we were able to meet up.
It sucked, but we got through it and I think it made the relationship stronger. It was an incredible professional and personal opportunity and we both recognized it. It also brought back the art of letter writing since my Internet connection was absolute shit.
Hang in there. It will fly by before you know it, just try not to dwell (easier said than done, I know). 🙂
That’s beautiful! It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship. Good for you for going to Czech Republic!
I am in a long distance relationship and it makes me insane. I’ve never cried so much in my whole life. My boyfriend technically lives here, but is away 90% of the time working. He works insanely long hours, and spends the rest of his time eating and sleeping. Communicating is sometimes non-existent. Skype wouldn’t even work for us, so we basically text.
I understand the range of emotions. If he doesn’t get in touch with me for a day or so I go from feeling sad to feeling worried to feeling really worried to feeling angry to feeling super angry to feeling insane!
I actually wrote a blog about this, but I think the “home” people – you and I – feel the loss more than the person who’s away doing new and different things. Your life is more or less the same, only there’s a void where that person would normally fit in.
My boyfriend is going to Vancouver to work for 2-3 months this summer and so many people have told me I should go visit. But what these people don’t understand is that A) I can’t afford that shit and B) He’s working. I can’t just go there and expect him to have time for me!
I could go on and on. I’m not sure why I stick with it. I guess I just hope someday circumstances will change. Love makes people do insane things!
Allison, where is the link to your blog post? I think I can relate well!
http://websterslaw.blogspot.ca/2012/02/another-post-about-long-distance.html
Here ya go.
But we broke up today – so I’m a bad person to take advice from on the subject. I don’t know how to make it work.
Jeez, Allison. I’m so sorry. Are you ok?
I’m not okay now, but I will be I’m sure. These things take time, right? That or I’ll become a cat lady.
Hello! I met you last weekend at the Blogathon and you were awesome, btw! Anyways, I can really relate with you on one in this post because – I AM TERRIFIED OF FLYING. I absolutely hate everything about it. I have to get completely drunk everytime I get on a plane, or I have to take medication. Seriously. It sucks. I feel your pain. I would not have been “spontaneous” either and frankly, to travel that far for that little time spent would not have been worth it. So don’t beat yourself up.
I, on the other hand, have found out about an hour ago that my husband has an opportunity with his company to move to BUDAPEST! freakin’ Eastern Europe! and we have to decide like right now if we are going to do it! Needless to say, I am about 3/4 through a bottle of wine right now while I write this because I am freaking out!!! But in an excited way 🙂
So if you need to fly to Europe anytime soon and need a flying partner… 🙂
Oh my gosh, Alisa! What did you guys decide?
We are going! That is unless something really strange happens, otherwise we are making the move. Ross has to be over there in two weeks for a symposium and will stay 3 weeks. In the meantime I have to hustle and get things done here to move – rent the house, sell everything we own. Crazy. I feel like I’m standing over a cliff and I know there is water below that is deep enough to catch me safely and I will be fine, but jumping over the ledge is going to be scary and stressful as hell.
I had a semi long distance relationship with my guy. We’re in college, so during the school year we were close together and during the summers we were on opposite sides of the state. Could see each other once every few weeks, but it was a big adjustment from seeing each other pretty much daily.
I don’t know how to advise you on dealing with it, because he just ended our relationship due (partly) to the distance.
All I can say is that you are lucky to have a guy who still cares for you when you’re so far apart. So maybe if you focus on that positive instead of the drawbacks, it might help.
Stephanie, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry about your breakup. 🙁 You’re right. I’m trying to focus on the good and just be patient until he gets back. I think he’s disappointed that I’m not going to Europe and now I feel really bad, but I guess I need to stay confident in my decision.
Ooof, I’ve been there. I had a long distance relationship with my now husband when he lived in LA, and I still lived at MY PARENTS HOUSE. That was the worse. This was before the days of Skype and I would wait patiently for his call every evening and have to hear his awesome plans for the night, which inevitably involved some AMAZING party.
I hung in there, it took a lot of trust and patience. It eventually worked out and we’ve been together for 11 years, married for 9. The best part of long distance relationships are the amazing visits where you just goddamn cherish every minute you have together.
Wow, Letty! Good for you! That must have been tough, but it sounds like it definitely paid off.
I totally respect your decision and admire the confidence you’ve come around to regarding it. What great self awareness you have, and awareness is more than half the battle.
Thanks, Stefani. I needed to hear that. I’m trying to stay confident in my decision, but bf is really disappointed I’m not coming and I feel bad. 🙁
My boyfriend has had to travel a lot this year and it’s been half-amazing, half-difficult. At first, I was remembering what it was like to be with myself and my thoughts and pursue my creative endeavors without distraction. Now it’s difficult because I miss him and I want to be able to integrate what I’ve learned about myself in to our relationship, but he keeps having to leave every time he comes home. I am supportive and I know that this is what I signed up for and I might have to do the same thing soon, but it doesn’t change how hard it is. I feel for you, girl. Go to Europe when you have the money to see a good bit of it. It’ll be worth it.
Thanks, Adria. Thanks for reminding me. I’m still kind of beating myself up for not going. :/
Well, my relationship isn’t as long as most of you are having/had. It’s into the 7th month now. My first boyfriend. He’s in Minnesota, I’m from Malaysia. Never met in real life:(
What sucks the most is the opposite timings…his morning, my night. When I’m at school, he’s off work. When I’m home, he’s sleeping. When I sleep, he wakes up and goes to work. Can’t get any worse.lol
Oh man, Naomi! That must be tough! Do you guys have any plans to see each other soon?
It is! There are times when I miss him so much, I’d cry but I figured he’s really worth everything, so I’m hanging in there:) Well, at least he reassures me every time.
Yeah, we do. Both of us don’t have much money, plus I’m still in school. I plan on going over early next year, but I’ll need to et a job for a couple of months Dec-Feb, or I won’t have enough.
Yes long distance sucks! My boyfriend is at West Point in NY and thankfully almost done! (4 years in May)
Wouldn’t do the stupid long distance thing if I didn’t love him though.
BUt I did want to tell you to help with the Skype thing. We use oovoo. Joe can’t use Skype because of something with the military so we use oovoo and it works pretty well.
Good luck and way to make a decision and be okay with it. I know its hard to decide NOT to go see him…but it sounds like you are being logical about it.