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Writing

Teach Me to Love Location-Based Social Networking, Please

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Being on the computer for more hours than I am not in a day, I’d like to think…whoa, wait. Is that true? Am I really on the computer more hours than I am not? Holy shit. Wow, I need to assess this… but not right now. I’m not sure if you want to see me having an awkward lecture with myself right now. I notice that when I do such things in public, it makes people uncomfortable.

So, being on the computer an ass ton, I’d like to think that I’m pretty Internet savvy. I tweet the living shit out of everything and turned into one of those assholes who has over 1000 friends on Facebook for no reason. I kind of use LinkedIn, I enjoyed StumbleUpon for about 5 minutes, and I’d like to start a Kickstarter page to fund production on my screenplay about a family of Jewish chimpanzees who start a yoga studio in Minneapolis.

However, there is one social media platform that I just haven’t warmed up to and that is location-based social networking.

What’s the big dealio, (more…)

March 31, 2011 by
Writing

Inspire Me: 5 Ways to Beat Writer’s Block

obligatory cheesy stock photo….ha, like people still use pen and paper

I just can’t do it.
There is nothing to come out of me. The experiences that I drew inspiration from have been over-talked, over-analyzed and are simply dried up.
I don’t dream of Los Angeles anymore. I don’t lament in my twenty-something confusion anymore.
I simply live a normal and happy life in Austin, Texas.
This should be something that one can take inspiration from, right? A well-adjusted, healthy, and drama-free life?
Then why do I have writer’s block?

When these sort of times occur in my life, I try to recall a number of steps that help me get out of my rut. Though simple, the exercises below are sure-fire ways to help…and I probably won’t do any of them.

1.) Travel– From the act of getting somewhere to the people and places you see along the way, traveling is always a great way to inspire creativity. Not only do I feel mentally and physically better after getting out of my daily (more…)

March 30, 2011 by
Music, Writing

Happy Birthday, Elton John- My Lover

Today is Elton John’s birthday.

I remember this because there was a time- a very long time ago- when I would fantasize about that man on a daily basis.

And when I say “fantasize”, I mean exactly that.

I even wrote an essay about it- “Discovering Your Sexuality Through Hairy Gay Men”.

Elton John happened to be the dude I fixated on when my hormones were ragin’ and my nose was growing disproportionately to my head.

This maybe explains a lot about who I am.

Or at least I’d like to think that it does?

Or maybe I’m desperately hoping that it does…?

So in honor of that sexy pile of pasty man dough, I’m reposting my little love letter to Sir Elton John.

_______________________________________________________

Remember that age when you started discovering your sexuality?


That awkward, dreadful time when you didn’t understand why your male friends suddenly felt the urge to show you their penises while you were trying to reenact “X-files” episodes in the basement (more…)
March 25, 2011 by
Film, Pop Culture, Writing

There Was a Time I Watched Way Too Much X-files

On my ride in to work yesterday morning, I had a gnawing feeling that it was a special day. A famous day in history or someones birthday. A day that needed celebration! I thought about it for a minute and then it hit me- it was Dana Scully’s birthday!

How the fuck did I remember that, I’ll pretend you asked?

Well, I used to be embarrassingly obsessed with The X-files. Like forced my elementary school friends to call me ‘Spooky’ obsessed. Paraded around in pantsuits at eleven years of age obsessed. Read poorly written NC-17 fan fiction during the beginning days of household Internet obsessed. Lulled myself to sleep night after night with dreams of Mulder and Scully taking off those dismal 90’s suits and gettin’ busy obsessed.

I had every episode on tape. Every book, every magazine, every newspaper clipping about the show was neatly pressed in binders. I built a shrine to The X-files in my childhood bedroom equipped with posters, action figures, and makeshift FBI badges and guns.

So, (more…)

February 24, 2011 by
Writing

Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin

I often refer to my blog as the ol’ ball and chain. At the extreme, I equate it to the monster that Dr. Frankenstein lost control of. Gene Wilder’s Dr. Frankenstein that is. If I’m going to be any Frankenstein it’s going to be one with an awesome head of curly hair and pencil mustache. On really bad days, I refer to my blog as an animate object and scream defiant remarks at it.

I whine about my blog because as of lately, she dictates my schedule, has minor control over my emotions and dominates my thoughts. This sounds a little extreme but I made a promise to stick with this blog and I have no intention of backing down. Being an only child with a paternal role model who had over 30 jobs, 35 cars, and lived in 13 different states, it’s often easy for me not to follow through on projects. This is one instance where I haven’t let that happen. I’m committed to my blog and I anticipate a day where a future significant other tells me that I’ve chosen the blog over them.

Since I’ve been (more…)

February 21, 2011 by
Writing

My Blah

Grandma: “How is your blah doing?”
Me: “My what?”
Grandma: “You know, that thing you write on? How is it spelled? B-L-A-H?”
Me: “Oh, you mean my blog?”
Grandma: “A what?”
Me: “A blog! Like ‘log’ with a ‘b’.”
Grandma: “A blog?!”
Me: “Yes!”
Grandma: “What the hell is that?”

She had a very excellent point. What the hell is a blog and why is not called blah?

My mother and grandmother’s behavior has been very ‘blah’-worthy as of lately.
Blahworthy being code word for slowly turning into The Beales.
But instead of dramatic New England accents and dozens of cats looking for attention, we have Jewish nagging and my Grandma’s boyfriend, Lionel- a crusty old man in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and looking for attention.

It’s all started with my Grandmother’s horrible back pain. Being the stoic Depression-born woman that she is, Grandma was in complete denial about it. She walked buckled over in pain, near the point of throwing up, but refused to take any medicine. Wait- (more…)

February 17, 2011 by
Writing

It’s Blog Redesign Time

Every once in awhile I get a giant bug in my ass to change my blog.
Much like changing your hair color once a boyfriend breaks up with you, I’m constantly anxious to shake things up a bit when I’m feeling complacent.

In the past, this anxiety typically builds and builds until one night I’m pacing the living room, drinking wine out of a juice box, and watching the same episodes of Arrested Development over and over for inspiration. Then I usually get distracted by something else and end up making only minute changes to my blog or dropping the idea all together.

However, this time I can’t shake the desire to make a change. It’s been months in the making and now has reached a point where if I don’t make a change, I fear that I’ll begin resenting my blog and shooting it disdainful glances when I wake up in the morning.

This may all sound a little over-dramatic, but I’m sure many of you can relate to wanting the aesthetic of a product of yours looking snazzy. Outside of looking more (more…)

January 26, 2011 by
Pop Culture, Writing

How to Date an Incarcerated Pirate Farmer Who Loves Cats

While perusing one of my favorite websites, 20-Nothings, I came across a recent New York Times article about the rise of niche dating. Wanna date a old wealthy bearded Vegan who loves Macs? Well, then there are plenty of options for you. However, I noticed that a few important demographics were left out of the list and thought I’d include them below.

Pirate Passions– “Pirates Passions be a 100% free social networrrkin’ an’ online datin’ site ferrr buccanneers an’ buccanneers at hearrrt“

Free and full of people who absolutely do not look like pirates, this is a great way to get your Capitan Ron freak on. Example of what you will find: “CreepyOlGuy”, 43 years old, enjoys eating brains, currently lives on a pirate ship with his wife and children, Pagan.



Cowboy Cowgirl- “Welcome to Cowboy Cowgirl! Where Country meets Country!”

Ever want to date someone who never removes their cowboy hat (ahem, Robert Rodriguez)? Then this is the site for you! Where every match states that they enjoy the finer (more…)

January 13, 2011 by
Writing

Behind the Mask of Googly Eyes and Felt: Finding Balance Between Blogging and Real Life

It was while watching a grown woman brush the hair of a ventriloquist dummy that I realized I may have an obsession with blogging. The show was My Strange Addiction and the episode was about a sassy and pretty (in a “I write messages to myself on the mirror in lipstick” sort-of-way) young lady who has no life outside of caring for her “babies”- a.k.a. nine ventriloquist dummies that she carries around in a suitcase. Her friends and family are concerned that she is spending way too much time with her inanimate buddies and slowly becoming disconnected from the human race. Like most people in denial, she tells them that they just don’t understand and that she is happy with her life. The young woman states, “My babies let me say things I can’t get away with in real life,” so Ms. Fruitcake roams the streets with a puppet stuffed on her fist looking for people to berate. She can hide from the world behind her mask made of felt and googly eyes.

I too may hide behind a mask of felt and googly (more…)

January 12, 2011 by
Film, Pop Culture, Writing

Remember That I Promised I Would Write You A Blue Valentine Review?

I wrote this review back in October when I was lucky enough to see Blue Valentine at the Austin Film Festival. P.S. I write reviews like a ten year-old child.


Did you see Blue Valentine? What did you think?

It takes a lot for me to get excited about going to the movies… and by excited I mean sexually aroused when Crispin Glover has a new movie out. However, when I saw the trailer for Blue Valentine over the summer, I knew I had to see this movie.

A tragic love story named after a Tom Waits song starring Ryan Gosling AND Michelle Williams?! Hell, that is a hipster’s three-tier boner right there. The super hyped film- currently making the festival circuit with an expected release date of December 31st, 2010- was screened at the Austin Film Festival to a packed and very somber house. There was not a dry eye- from guy or gal- by the end of the movie. In fact, the girl seated next to us had to leave the theater and I had to drink more than one glass of white wine.

So why does this movie (more…)

January 5, 2011 by