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Birthdays are for Winners Like My Mother

It is my mother’s birthday today.
It’s a milestone one.
I’m sure she wouldn’t like me telling you her age, but here is a hint- she was three years old when she had me.

I was not able to make it home for my mother’s birthday. She lives in New York and I live in Texas.

This fact tore me up.

I took off the weekend just in case I was going to be able to magically fly home, but I didn’t magically do anything this weekend. Instead I moped around the house and contemplated human existence, listened to Stevie Wonder’s “Songs in the Key of Life” on loop, and shed a tiny tear every time the song “As” came on.

Considering I wasn’t able to make it home, I’d like to take this time to wish my amazing mother a wonderful birthday.

Will you please help me in wishing my mom a Happy 30th?

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You did everything right, but sometimes doing right just doesn’t guarantee you anything.

Aren’t you the one to always tells me that?

“You can’t be afraid to live life out of fear of getting hurt.”

And boy, (more…)

August 23, 2010 by
Writing

Finding Inspiration to Write During Life’s Diarrhea

How do you find inspiration when after eating a giant buffet of Indian food, life decides to take a run in 101 degree weather, then chug some milk before going 80’s dancing during $2 margarita night and ultimately take a giant turd on you?

Ok, my life isn’t that bad right now, but I’ve sadly begun to realize (well, actually I realized this long ago but have been in denial about it ever since) that my best writing does not come with the ebb and flow of life’s little diarrhea.

I, unfortunately, also do not have the gift of creating while being completely crocked. My great dream as a child to grow into a mentally unstable artist with seven ex-husbands and eight chemical dependencies has been dashed!

For example, check out this classic piece of penmanship I wrote when I was 22 and had a habit of getting drunk, alone, at 9PM on Friday nights in order to deal with my new life as a Hollywood assistant:
“Dear Lord, I’m so drunk, I just hit my eye on the corner of the nightstand. I can’t stop crying. (more…)
August 20, 2010 by
Writing

The Ox

I was in 9th grade and sitting in the band room during lunch- because that’s what band geeks do- when I heard the most perfect piano rendition of George Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue coming from one of the practice rooms.

I recognized Gershwin anywhere. My father, being a piano player himself, loved Gershwin, therefore I loved Gershwin in attempt to bridge the three-state gap between us.

I didn’t know that anyone in my school loved Gershwin as much as I, let alone play his 32-page composition perfectly.

I peered in through the tiny window of the practice room and like a caged animal, I see a flurry of arms and hands running up and down the keyboard. I didn’t recognize the kid, he looked a few years younger than me, but I knew I had to meet him.

I waited outside the room like an eager fan and introduced myself before he could even collect his sheet music.

His name was Josh and he was in 7th grade and playing that “little old sheet music” was no big deal to him.

But it was a big deal to me.

_______________________

What (more…)

July 30, 2010 by
Writing

Lessons I Learned From The Movies of My Childhood

When someone asks me what my top ten favorite movies of all time are, I generally list eight films that make up a large chunk of my childhood from the ages of 4-8 (the other two films involve sadomachsim and a rock star wearing a giant suit that I watched between the ages of 16-19).
Below are a few movies from my childhood that are not only my favorites due to sentimental reasons, but also because of the hard-hitting life lessons they taught me growing up. They are movies that every kid should watch.
I know for certain if and when I bring a little one into this world, I will force him or her to watch every one of these movies every day for the first ten years of their life.
Every day.
Every.
Day.
Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
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Lesson 1: That all clowns- whether real or mechanical- are freakin’ scary as crap! They’ll oversee the stealing of your bike, then laugh at you maniacally when you realize it’s been stolen.
Lesson 2: That people will laugh at your lack of high school (more…)
July 29, 2010 by
Writing

How To Become a Karaoke Champion (Or: How To Become a Champion at Life)

I’m not sure if you know this about me, but I’m a karaoke champion.
It’s true.
In fact, I’m a national karaoke league champion.
Well, me and my team, Steve Perry’s Excellent Adventure.
Granted it’s only called the National Karaoke League though it’s not national at all, it all take place in Austin, Texas, and we were in last place and magically came in first during the finals round much to everyones’ chagrin, but we’re national champions nonetheless!!!
If you ask me about karaoke, or even if you don’t ask me about karaoke but ask me something completely unrelated, I will tell you share with you my advice on the ancient art.
Being a master at karaoke, like myself, is not easy. It took years of being a sibling-less child with a mirror as my only friend to get to where I am today.
But don’t you fear!
Below is a list of karaoke “do’s and don’ts” that though may not get you to the coveted position I am in today, it will certainly put you on your way.
How To Become a Karaoke Champion
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July 27, 2010 by
Writing

Is Artsy Fartsy School A Necessity?

This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for a very long time, but kept putting it off since I felt that my collegiate experiences skewed my thoughts on the subject. However, after reading an interesting article in Hufffingtonpost about college students/grads and their stories of student debt, and talking to dozens of friends about their own college experiences, I’ve decided to stop pussy-footing around the issue and write questions to myself and talk in the third person.

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Is college a necessity?

Abso-fucking-lutely (to quote my friend’s girlfriend’s response after he proposed to her in front of The Bellagio last weekend).

There Mom….are you happy?

I said it!

COLLEGE IS NECESSARY!!!!

Buuuuuutttttt…

Is it necessary if you’re going into the arts?

Maybe.

I only said “maybe”, Ma!

Jeez! It’s not like I said, “Art school is totally a waste of freakin‘ money!”

But what if it is?! You know?! What if it is a waste (more…)

July 23, 2010 by
Writing

Austin’s Bleet-Up


Yep, our city as a yearly meet-up for local bloggers.

Does your city do that?
Huh?
HUH?!

I doubt it.

And that’s why all of you LA and New York people are moving here.

(P.S. Please stop. I told you before- I’m the last Angeleno they let in through the gate).

Last year’s Bleet-up was a blast. Just imagine this local online microcosm of bloggers finally forced into a room with one another. The mask of our witty online personas stripped away, hoping, praying that we that we live up to the monsters we’ve created.

This year, the Bleet-Up’s creator and host, the most talented and beautiful Tolly Moseley over at Austin Eavesdropper, (and I’m not using kiss-ass superlatives just for the sh*t of it- she’s actually really talented and beautiful), stepped things up a notch. Looks like this year we’ll be talking blogs up at the Four Seasons!
Yep, that’s right.

Tolly, I might show up in a raggedy faux fur coat and pearls just to feel special, if that’s ok?

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt special.
I NEED (more…)
July 21, 2010 by
Writing

Silver Foxettes

A few months ago, frequent Huffington Post blogger Lesley M. M. Blume (really?) posted an opinion editorial piece on the six most beautiful older women in the world. Her choices were; Helen Mirren, Iman (54 is old?), Carmen Dell’orefice, Anjelica Huston, Sofia Loren, and Gloria Steinem. Though I agree with each and everyone of her choices, I’m disappointed she only came up with six! Also, I find it funny that “the world” pretty much encompasses women who are popular in America and Western Europe.

Here are my top twelve choices of the most beautiful older women in “the world”.
1.) Cloris Leachman– My number one favorite. The only other woman, besides my grandmother, that I hope to be like one day. She turned 84 in April and had one hell of a run on “So You Think You Can Dance?”

2.) Ellen Burstyn– this Oscar winning actress, famous for her roles in The Last Picture Show, The Exorcist, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, and Requiem for a Dream, turns 78 this year.

3.) Diane Keaton- still one of (more…)
July 19, 2010 by
Writing

It’s Phil Hartman Day!


Can you believe it’s been 12 years since Phil Hartman passed away?

I remember so perfectly the day I found out he had been killed.

I was in 9th grade. CNN was flashing the story all day. Everyone in Hollywood made statements, mostly asking how could something so horrible happen to such a kind and talented man? How could a hard-working, relatively normal family man be shot and killed by his wife, who then turned the gun on herself, leaving behind two young children?

The tragedy left Hollywood spinning. Everyone wanted to point fingers. Zoloft got a bad rap (Hartman’s wife, Brynn, was taking Zoloft at the time of the murder….along with a whole lotta of cocaine and alcohol). It even came to light later that Andy Dick may have pushed Brynn Hartman back onto cocaine. This accusation came from Jon Lovitz who felt that Dick was the cause of Hartman’s murder. In 2007, Lovitz and Dick had a confrontation about this and Lovitz smashed Dick’s face against a bar.

The day Hartman died, I was glued to (more…)

July 19, 2010 by
Writing

Some Have Babies, Others Write About Them


Ok. It doesn’t look like I’m going to finish my post about higher education today.
So, I’m doing something lame.
I found something I wrote a few years ago.
Something I don’t particularly think is an example of good writing or particulary interesting, but I’m posting it anyways.

Enjoy!

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A friend just emailed me pictures of my high school boyfriend’s new baby.

I’m reading X-files fan fiction in my underwear.

Growing up is never easy. Some of us welcome adulthood with open arms, while others try to beat it off with a blunt object while sitting in a thong reading poorly written Harlequin stories by obsessed fans of a show that’s been off the air for many years.

I liked my childhood.

I didn’t particularly want to let it go.

The days when one could dress up as your favorite role model, Dana Scully, and people thought it was cute instead of creepy. The days when I wrote lists like, “Things I want to do before I’m 25” and consisted of pragmatic goals like “Have completed (more…)

July 16, 2010 by