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Hipstercrite Life

20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

Do I Want Children? And Other Twenty-Something Questions I’m Afraid to Ask Myself

DEAR GOD!

People havin’ babies.

Babies all over the place.

I guess it’s that time of year; isn’t there a scientific fact that people fornicate more in the winter months? That’s why you don’t see a lot of January-March babies: it’s too f’ing hot in the summer.

“Hey, babe, wanna have S-E-X?”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY DID YOU JUST TOUCH ME?! WHY?! DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S HOTTER THAN SATAN’S ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW?! HAVEN’T YOU FELT SATAN’S ASSHOLE BEFORE?!?!”

Babies weird me out because I’m a.) an only child and b.) a child of divorce. I wasn’t exactly conditioned to have offspring, but as I get older and realize there is a slight chance I could DIE ALONE, the thought of having many, many children to cater to my every beck and call sounds like a solid idea.

My biggest fear- besides getting bitten in the ass by a snake while tubing and separately, developing West Nile Virus-  is ending up like that actress from Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, all mummified for a year before someone (more…)

October 11, 2012 by
Fashion/Design, Hipstercrite Life

What Happens in New Orleans, Stays in New Orleans

Last week I lost twelve hours of my life. Those twelve hours were spent throwing up what looked like a mangled midget, but was instead jambalaya and one Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane.

I’m not much of a drinker (except for when I was 22 and drank myself to sleep on a regular basis and wrote emo diary entries about how no one loved me), but wanted to participate in the intoxicated fun of New Orleans’ Bourbon Street on my first visit to the magical city with my mother and our friend Margie. Each of us indulged in a Hurricane in the romantic courtyard of Pat O’Briens and enjoyed a pre-Fall evening in the jovial atmosphere of the French Quarter. We got tipsy, but no one was fall down drunk. We come from a lineage of non-drinkers and all my mother can handle is a few sips before falling into a giggle fit, then sleep.

We traversed the relatively tame crowd of Bourbon Street back to our hotel in the Warehouse District. Last week, the city was full of middle-aged men with pot bellies and polo shirts (more…)

October 8, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture, Travel

How Have I Lived This Long Without Experiencing New Orleans? (pictures)

I cannot articulate in words how I feel about this magical city; the sights and sounds are still sinking into my blood.

I’ll let pictures do the talkin’.

Morgan City, LA flood wall

Muffaletta and jambalaya from Cafe Maspero, New Orleans

French Quarter, New Orleans

Ninja Jesus, New Orleans

Cafe Du Monde beignets are messy  (and good for Hurricane hangovers)

Garden District, New Orleans

Garden District, New Orleans

Lafayette Cemetery No. 1

Lafayette Cemetery No. 1

October 4, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life, Travel, Writing

How to Travel With Your Mother Without Killing Each Other

Just a dead shark on a forklift

MY MOM IS IN TOWN!

That means a lot of quality mom and daughter bonding time, her telling me I should brush my hair and her telling my boyfriend stories about how I don’t share food.

I love my Mom more than anything. I am her only daughter and she solely raised me, so needless to say we’re very much alike. Due to this fact and the fact that we both come from a long lineage of guilt-inducing Jews, we bicker a lot. I went to therapy to nip the guilt tripping trait in the bud, so when my mother, and especially my grandmother, try to pull it on me, I turn into a raving She-Hulk. When you’re little, you don’t know any better; feeling guilty for absolutely nothing was pounded into my soft skull at a very young age. When you’re older, you realize that normal people don’t say things like, “You think I’m stupid!” when you don’t agree with something they say or, “You must not like spending Christmas-” -we’re religiously inadequate Jews- “-with the family anymore!” (more…)

September 27, 2012 by
Austin, Hipstercrite Life

The Emergency Room is a Scary and Confusing Place at 2AM

“Somebody stabbed me with a screwdriver!”

These words traveled with a ten-person entourage on their way through the ER doors last Friday morning at 2AM.

Geoff and I were at the ER because he had a 103 fever and was coughing up blood.

Not coughing up blood in a Robert Shaw at the end of Jaws when he gets bitten by Jaws kind of way. More of a, Geoff: “Ew, is that blood in my mucus?” and Lauren: “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WE’RE TAKING YOU TO THE ER RIGHT NOW! NO TIME FOR PANTS!”  kind of way.

You see, Geoff is a wee bit of a hypochondriac (I love you, baby) and I’m a bit of a nervous Jew who is petrified that everyone she loves is dying all of the time.

This combination leads to barely thought-out sprints to the ER, but to our credit, spitting up blood is not something that is normal.

It scared us enough to take him to the ER because that’s the only friggin’ thing open at 2AM.

As though it’s a prerequisite for getting submitted into the ER, we waited our obligatory hour in (more…)

September 25, 2012 by
Austin, Fashion/Design, Hipstercrite Life, Travel

East Austin Named One of America’s Hippest Neighborhoods (pics)

Forbes’ named East Austin the  no. 7 hippest hipster neighborhood in America, beating out other popular spots  such as New Orlean’s Warehouse District and Downtown Portland.

Though there is nothing remotely groundbreaking about this honor, it’s always fun to see our little neighborhood mentioned in the press.

The Armageddon-like proportions of Austin’s allergies are making it difficult for me to walk, let alone think right now, so in lieu of a waxed poem about my beloved neighborhood, I’m going to share with you some of my favorite East Austin photos I’ve taken over the years.

Though I’ve had my ups and downs with the neighborhood, there is no place else I’d rather live in Austin (except for maybe Hyde Park).

 

Selfie at Longbranch Inn on 11th Street

Geoff at Thunderbird Coffee on Manor Road

An adorable (and tasty!) Iced Latte with homemade vanilla syrup from Vintage Heart Coffee on E. 7th Street

Delicious homemade bread bowl soup from Gourmands on Webberville (more…)

September 24, 2012 by
20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

It’s Going to Be OK: A Twenty-Something Tale

 

I have a friend in her early twenties who is beautiful, intelligent and very gifted. She’s the sort of person you spot from across the room and think, “Her. She’s the one I want to talk to. There is something special about that one.”

Everyone knows this except her.

She doesn’t believe it.

Right now, she has found herself at a complete loss as to what to do with her life. This confusion has led to a certain amount of paralysis in creating; where do you start when you’re not sure what direction you’re going? This paralysis can often be amplified by a newfound real world insecurity once you begin comparing yourself to your peers and erroneously, people older than you.

When I talk to her, I find myself getting riled up, remembering the days when I felt exactly like her. The words that leave her lips are identical to the ones I found myself saying at 22, 23, 24.

I try so hard not to project my own experiences upon her when conversing, but it is difficult. I want to (more…)

September 18, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life

On Growing Up: When You Become Too Scared to Jump Into the Water

Last week, a friend asked me how many jobs I currently I have.

As I rambled off the list of regular employment and one-time projects for the month of September, I realized I counted all the way to 14.

It took hearing this to finally legitimize the stress I’ve been feeling lately.

Going freelance means you don’t know how to say no to opportunities. Or at least I don’t, yet.

If a project comes my way that works in my favor, even if it’s not substantial pay, I will take it.

This goes against many writers number one rule, but considering I’m still relatively new at this, I do not harshly discriminate.

Because of this weakness, I’ve found myself working 14+ hour days. Days that leave me mentally and physically exhausted. My back aches, my knees ache and I often trail off into a world of nothingness when speaking to another human being.

I’m not particularly fond of this current employment set up, but it’s “only temporary”, I keep telling myself.

As I’m sure we all do.

After (more…)

September 4, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life

I Am Not a Girl

I’ve never categorized myself as a girl.

In fact, I’ve never even felt like a girl.

I recognize myself as a “woman” and as “Lauren”, but not a “girl”.

I’ll even take “lady”, but no “girl”.

“Girl” conjures up images of monthly hair, manicure and tanning appointments. Weekly shopping trips with girlfriends, yoga classes every other day and nightly wine drinking. All these activities are buoyed by one topic, men, and the ritual of peacocking is an important daily priority.

I know a group of girls who do everything together. Not a day goes by where they don’t see or talk to one another. Their week is filled with exercise classes, lunches and slumber parties enjoyed together. The topic of conversation is typically boys, but often flecked with diet, health and current events. From the outside, I often look at their narrative and want in. I’ve never had what they had. A part of me is wistful, maybe even a little jealous. Here is a sisterhood of girls who will always be there for (more…)

August 30, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

10 Fun Things to Do While You’re on Painkillers

 

Swollen cheeks- check! Jewish nose- check! Unwavering vice on a bottle of Hydrocodone- check!

 

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I had my wisdom teeth extracted last week.

What I failed to mentioned is that I was high as a kite on painkillers when I wrote the post.

Er, “high” maybe isn’t the best word.

“Blissfully zoned out and chewing on my tongue” might be better.

This is my first time ever taking painkillers and it’s been an equally enjoyable and terrifying experience.

Enjoyable in that the gaping wound-hole pain gently lifts away and I’m left smiling as I slowly slide down the side of the couch. Terrifying in that my lucid dreaming at nightfall leaves me pissing my pants and confused. One night my boyfriend sneezed and the sound registered in my brain as “OH MY GOD! SOMEONE IS STABBING ME TO DEATH!” and I woke up in tears and hyperventilated for the next ten minutes.

I also tried swallowing my gauze twice.

Though the pain is still sitting idly (more…)

August 29, 2012 by