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Hipstercrite Life

Hipstercrite Life

Jewishness

I am a Jew.
A non-practicing Jew.
One of those people that is- according to Judaic Law- Jewish, but yet has only participated in one mind-numbing Seder her entire life. The sort of person who really loves telling people she’s Jewish because she feels that it will help explain certain characteristics and because being part of the Jew Club is cool. Woody Allen? Gene Wilder? The Marx Brothers? They’re my peeps.

My grandmother grew up with her Orthodox Jewish grandmother and after a few years she was like, “f that”. So when she gave birth to my mom, she raised her Barely Christian. Then I came along and that Barely Christian turned into Notta Christian and I’ve been wandering around spiritually aimless for the past 28 years. When you’re young, this doesn’t really matter to you. You think you and everyone you love is immortal. As you start to get older and more jaded, you’re like, “Fuuuuuck, I am going to die. I better figure out where I’m going, otherwise this could get really depressing.”

I’ve (more…)

August 5, 2011 by
Film, Hipstercrite Life

Coming of Age in Hollywood

my first year in Hollywood

On my blog, I’ve only mentioned a few times that in a previous life I was a personal assistant in Hollywood.
And as I also stated in that post, I don’t talk about that time often because of the a.) WMD-sized confidentiality agreements that loom over my head and b.) because I value a person’s right to privacy. I worked for people who trusted me and I will never break that trust.

I often forget that I was a personal assistant in Hollywood. Occasionally people will ask me my story- where I came from before Austin- and I’m reminded that the Hollywood part of my life was a very big part for 5 years. 5 years in 28 years of a life is, well, I’m terrible at math, let’s see here, a little over a fifth of my life? One day it will be an eighth, then a sixteenth, and then I’ll be dead.

I’m sad that I’m slowly forgetting this important time in my life. Or rather, forgetting the emotions I felt at the time. Like the day that I was asked to work for (more…)

August 3, 2011 by
Film, Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

How to Make a Movie

My boyfriend is a writer/director. He’s been making films for over ten years and his first feature, Mars, debuted at SXSW in 2010. Mars is a love story that takes place in space and stars Mark Duplass, Kinky Friedman, Howe Gelb, James Kolchalka, and Don Hertzfeldt. Geoff shot the entire movie live action, then animated the living shit over the entire movie with a program he created. If that is not badass, then I don’t know what is! The film has traveled all over the world in the festival circuit. Geoff is also currently one of the filmmakers remaking Richard Linklater’s indie classic Slacker and was selected as one of Filmmaker’s 25 New Faces of Independent Film.

I am not a director. I’d like to think of myself a writer though? Last year, I made a movie in my head that starred David Byrne, Danny Elfman, Bryan Ferry, Robert Palmer, and Peter Gabriel. I one time remade the intro to Twilight Zone by putting on a suit and burning a cork to draw thick Jewish eyebrows on my face in order to (more…)

July 27, 2011 by
20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

And One Day She Stopped

I have a boyfriend.

This may be nothing amazing in developments for Mankind, but for anyone who knows me, it is nothing short of incredible.
Or maybe it’s not.
Maybe it’s just mind-blowing to me.

You see, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a very long time. Instead, I mostly dated a string of assholes or, now that I’m older and have more objectivity I can say, “gentlemen who were not interested in me enough to date me and/or not at a place in their life where they were able to satisfy my dating needs or any other person’s dating needs”.

I dated the sort of guys that kind of said they “didn’t want to date anyone right now” but that didn’t stop them for getting all up in your grill like they were super interested in you, then disappearing, confusing the living shit out of you even though you should have been wise enough to decipher that “they don’t want to date anyone right now” really meant “THEY DON’T WANT TO DATE ANYONE RIGHT NOW” and that’s why they disappeared, duh.

I was twenty-something (more…)

July 22, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

All About Vaginas. Or Vaginae. Or Whatever the Plural of Vagina is Called.

The day before I came across this thing:

I have never seen or heard of a plastic cup you stick in your va-jay-jay when you have your period. This new found fact blew my mind. I stood there scrutinizing the box over and over while my boyfriend completed both shopping and check-out and patiently waited for me by the front of the store. I sniffed out the container like a dog checking out another dog’s butt. Moon Cups come in two sizes- size A for pre-birth vaginas and size B for post-birth vaginas. Reading the difference between the two size cups instantaneously made my ovaries put up the “Sorry, We’re Closed” sign and shut the blinds.

Below the plastic “Moon Cup” on the grocery store shelf, neatly colored cloth maxi pads laid in a row. Some were polka dot and some had prints that looked like a Holiday Inn comforter or a Dad shirt from the 80’s. These also piqued my interest, though seemed less dangerous than the gigantic grail that one sticks in their cootch.

How had I never seen (more…)

July 14, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

A Letter to the Man Who Should Not Read My Blog, But Does Anyways

I wondered if you even existed when I would see a couple on the street.

At the rate I was going, it didn’t seem like I would come to meet you.

You were an elusive figure.

Someone I was left to writing about. A stranger I was to meet on a subway in a big city and discuss metropolitan topics with such as David Byrne and top hats. You were the fictional love interest to my semi-autobiographical, slightly solitary female protagonist. Existing only in words on the paper. But one day you materialized, in the form of a sandy-colored cowboy, and instead of meeting on a subway, we met at an eastside watering hole.

We talked about David Byrne and top hats.

In our relatively small gestation period, I have come to feel that I’ve known you forever. Maybe it’s because you were a character I constructed, or maybe it’s because you and I are reassuringly similar. That the traits I’ve grown to understand about myself over the past 28 years are akin to the ones you share. When you randomly (more…)

July 12, 2011 by
Film, Hipstercrite Life

The Los Angeles You Will Come to Know

It’s easy to love Los Angeles. It’s sunny and warm and exciting and big.

What is hard, is loving the Hollywood you experienced. It’s so much more enjoyable to revel in the Hollywood from movies, books, and media. The Hollywood you thought you were going into when you first decided to move to Los Angeles. The industry you thought you were going to conquer, or at the very least, never give up on.

Having worked in the film business off and on in Austin and my boyfriend being a local director and film professor, I meet a steady stream of people who are en route to Los Angeles. When you’ve experienced LA for yourself, and you’re talking to a young person who has limited concept of what the film industry in LA is actually like, it’s hard not to give your two cents. It’s hard not to sound jaded, regardless if your time there was good or bad. I can separate the joyous moments from the terrible that I experienced in LA and I can sum up that ultimately my time there was worthwhile. That still (more…)

July 11, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

Canadians Are Better Than Americans

Well, I’m spending my last hour in Vancouver trying to finish up this blog post I started on Sunday. It’s been a good trip. Full of bear encounters, bald eagle encounters, and running away from raccoon encounters. I just took two Xanax because of my recently acquired fear of flying and I’m not exactly sure what I’m writing. Listen, whatever you do, don’t read Wikipedia’s list of famous plane crashes. That shit stays with you for years….

Nothing says 4th of July spirit than comparing our great country to the slightly better country just north of us.
For the past seven days I’ve been traveling through the Canadian Rockies and British Columbia and have reconfirmed what I thought back in junior high when I wanted to move to Toronto because the Kids in the Hall lived there- Canada is the shit. It’s an incredible country full of nice people, pristine nature, and clean cities. Here are some observations I made while gallivanting through the Great White North.

1.) The Calgary airport (more…)

July 6, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

Tap Into the Rockies

Hello.
I am traveling to the Canadian Rockies AS WE SPEAK!!!!
I’m not sure if they have the internet up there. I know that they have moose. I really wish they were called meese.
I have no idea if I will be able to blog. Maybe the moose can help me with this. I’m not sure.
Also in this time, a wonderful graphic designer will be transforming my blog into a magical land.

I hope you all have an excellent week.

June 27, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

Last Minute Father’s Day Gift Ideas for the Lazy Child

I’m not really sure what men like.

According to every Father’s Day gift guide out there they only like five things: tools, meat, TV remotes, wine, and iPhones. This sounds like the makings of a really big asshole right there. A Dad who enjoys spending more time a.) watching TV, b.) drinking c.) playing on his phone than spending time with you.

I didn’t grow up with a man in the house so when I date someone or visit a male friend’s house, I’m utterly fascinated by the things they own. After using the restroom, I’ll sometimes linger just to look at all the man oddities in their bathroom cupboards. Things like aftershave and nose hair trimmers are foreign objects to me. Sometimes I’ll play around with these things. Sometimes I’ll get caught and asked what the hell I’m doing. I then explain that my father abandoned me as a child and that they should leave me alone. The ol’ “abandoned by the father card” works every time.

Speaking of which….my Dad is visiting me tomorrow and I’m not (more…)

June 17, 2011 by