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Hipstercrite Life

20-Something, Hipstercrite Life, Writing

We Are Squirrels

spaz

Along the same lines of my recent post about Millennials and their work ethic, “The Generation of the Confused Working Class“, here is me going blah blah blah some more about the terrible “problems” my generation faces. 

I have the attention span of a squirrel on cocaine.
This is a recent development.
As a child, I was way too self-involved to be distracted by anything.
Being an only child will do that to you.
Sitting for several hours by yourself talking to Trolls will do that to you.

Now that I’m a big kid, I’m self-involved, society-involved, media-involved, and technology-involved.
Now my head is filled with a million notions of what has been and what could be.
Now I drink to make the voices stop.

On-set ADD sucks ass- and I don’t even have ADD. I’m one of those self-diagnosed folks. You know, the ones that figure it’s easier to give a name to something they won’t take responsibility for? Like totally flaking on your friend’s wedding shower because (more…)

April 26, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

To Dance in Laredo

Life is always an adventure.
Even when it takes you to a border town in Texas where friends and loved ones suggest that your safety will be in great danger if you go.

Texas is 268,581 square miles of curios. Even on the long stretches of dry nothingness or repetitious sand-colored strip malls, the state is never boring. When I first moved to Texas two and a half years ago, I felt like a child seeing the world for the first time. Everything about the state fascinated me and it continues to do so. From the freeways that ascend into the sky to the characters in cowboy hats to the forgotten main streets to the sprawl of major cities, I write a tiny love letter to Texas every day. And now this is my tiny love letter to Laredo.

Laredo, Texas borders the larger Mexican city of Nuevo Laredo. If you Google Nuevo Laredo you will see warnings from US Consulates urging Americans not to travel to Nuevo Laredo and pictures of people’s heads blown open. Laredo is the 88th largest city in the country (more…)

April 19, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

And You Made it All Ok

“Wow, I was, like, a super-bitch to you as a kid.” I said to my mother on the phone yesterday.

“Nah. Not really. You were a kid. You didn’t know any better.”

“No, I mean, I wouldn’t let you cry. I’d get angry if you cried. You had to be my mom and nothing else. You couldn’t be human. I’d get so angry at you the times you showed any emotion over Dad leaving. I’m sorry, Mom.”

This conversation occurred at the exact moment my father sent me an email out of the blue explaining to me “why he is the way he is.”

This sounds like the beginnings of a “heavy” post, but it’s not. These are interactions I have with my parents on a semi-regular basis due in part to me becoming more objective over my parents divorce as I grow older, me apologizing more and more to my mother for not letting her mourn the divorce, and me occasionally snapping at my father for always being the good-time fun guy I used to idolize. I still look up to my dad, but in different ways than I used to and the matters (more…)

April 8, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Writing

Moms and Facebook

You’ll never forget the day your mother joined Facebook.

You thought, “Aww man! This is awesome! Now Mom and I can share cute messages on each others’ walls and I can see photos from that wine trip she took with the family and got super loaded and she can see photos of me and my new hairdo and criticize it. It will be great!”

Then you started to think differently when your Mom began liking every God forsaken thing you ever do on Facebook and she posts ADD-like messages on your wall that say, “Where is a photo of this new guy you’re seeing?” or “I remember when you were just a little thing. Why did you have to grow up? WHY?”

Sometimes she Facebook messages you demanding to know where you are and why you’re not picking up your phone, and if that doesn’t get your attention, she moves on to 12 Facebook friends of yours/complete strangers of hers and asks where you are.

Sometimes all Moms do is get on Facebook to berate you for swearing on your profile and call you out on your (more…)

April 5, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

To He Who Should Not Read My Blog

I don’t write about my social or romantic life on my blog very often, if at all. This blog is not the platform for that- it’s supposed to be a blog about being a fuckin’ hipster, dammit- and in some areas of my life, I’m actually a somewhat private person. I also realize that saying roughly, “Oh hey, I just wrote about you on a public forum for anyone to read!” may or may not have the ability to freak someone out. In addition, it’s rare for me to feel compelled to write about someone- a truth that I’ve commented on before- but I guess, in this instance, that is finally not applicable. I’m writing this tonight because, honestly, it’s what is on my mind lately and being a writer, it would be silly to ignore.

And though I plead with you on a daily basis not to read my blog, you will anyways.

So, here you go.

_________________________________________________________

To He Who Should Not Read My Blog,

I haven’t known you for very long. 

This is a fact we discussed last night. (more…)

April 1, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

You Can’t Take a Picture, It’s Already Gone.

The best way to begin your transformation into a masochist is by watching the last season of Six Feet Under more than once.

No creation on this planet simultaneously enlightens and destroys you quite like that show did.

I can pretty much attribute my whole weekend being shot to watching those twelve snot bubble-inducing episodes.

I knew what I was in for. I watched the whole series a few years back and recalled that I was completely immobile for two hours after viewing the series finale. A lead weight on the couch, screaming, bawling, unwilling to speak to anyone or move. My appetite was gone and all I wanted to do was stay curled up and die and join everyone in heaven. I had just lost like 8 people I had really gotten to know well and felt like shit.

I decided that I wanted to lose them all over again this weekend.

My mother kept calling me this weekend wondering why she hadn’t heard from me, “Where did you disappear to?” she asked.

“I’m watching a show! I’ll call you (more…)

March 28, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

Lionel Won’t Stop Buying Ice Cream

Grandma doing her most favorite thing in the world- slapping Lionel


Grandma: I now have what you call “muffins”.

Me: What?

Grandma: My stomach is blubbery and turned into muffins.

Me: Do you mean a “muffin top”? You have a muffin top?

Grandma: Yes, I have muffins.

I speak to my grandmother almost every day and typically an exchange like the one above happens every time I talk to her. Our conversations are never boring. My favorite is when she asked me how my “blah” was doing. You know, that thing I’m writing this post on right now? I’m extremely close to my grandmother and the past few months have been challenging for all of us. She broke her back in multiple places and refused to take painkillers and her live-in boyfriend of twelve years, Lionel, is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The excruciating pain mixed with Grandma’s belief that Lionel is acting forgetful to spite her made her a raging bitch for awhile. Now the pain has subsided and she can walk vertically, (more…)

March 24, 2011 by
Austin, Hipstercrite Life

I’ve Become Scared of My Own Shadow

Lately I’ve had this growing illogical fear that every single evening someone is trying to break into my house.

Every single night.

Typically around 4AM.

I guess that would make it morning then? 4AM is that ungodly time that really deserves it’s own time of day. It’s the gateway from night into morning. It’s dark and ominous and you most likely won’t hear a soul except for the psychopath hiding outside your window. My window. He likes to hang out there and tap melodies on the pane and dance on dead leaves. He’s a pretty bad dancer from what I can tell, but are psychopaths ever really good dancers?

This fear has begun effecting my life greatly. My sleeping patterns have become distressed and I often wake up to my heart pounding through my chest. Recently I even found myself standing on the street corner in my silk robe dialing 911 in one hand and brandishing an Ikea paring knife and Swiffer mop in the other. That evening I was absolutely convinced someone was in my house and (more…)

March 23, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

The Rainbow Connection

Once in awhile someone comes along and creates a Muppets-themed cardboard window for your car. They do this because you attended a screening of their movie and while inside, someone broke into your car. They may have also done this because they like you. Maybe. And though you should call your car insurance provider and finally get a quote on how much this window is going to cost, a part of you doesn’t want to give up the Muppet window. You like riding around with Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Fozzie in the passenger seat. More importantly you like that he drew this for you one evening by the light of your cell phone.

If your car was broken into, what would you draw on your new cardboard window?

 

March 21, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Teenage Wasteland

People under the age of 20 scare the living hell out of me.

Teenagers have zero understanding of how life works. Unless they grew up in a Little Orphan Annie-type setting. Then they understand the way life works more than I’ll ever want to know. Because most teenagers are inexperienced with the ways of the world, they are prone to doing terrible and illogical things such as shooting animals, driving drunk, taking dumps in public spaces, and wearing pajama bottoms for pants.

When I think about the potential ways that I am to expire, death by teenager is one of my greatest fears. Teenagers act without knowledge of ramifications. They will shoot you point blank with a smile and then go eat a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. THEY WILL EAT YOUR FIRSTBORN AND THEN USE THEIR RIB CAGES AS TOOTHPICKS.

If you don’t agree with me, take a look at this story that happened on Friday night.

A friend and I were out and about on the hipster-centric east side of Austin. After the bars closed, (more…)

March 7, 2011 by