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Hipstercrite Life

Film, Hipstercrite Life

Swimming with Sharks: The Life of a Personal Assistant in Hollywood

The style of an assistant- bags under the eyes, frizzy hair, bewildered look on face

There is a time in my life that I rarely discuss on my blog, yet it constituted a significant part of my story. It was the five years I was a personal assistant in Hollywood. I don’t talk about this chapter for a few reasons- 1.) I respect the privacy of my former employers 2.) I consider my former employers friends 3.) I signed confidentiality agreements that would threaten the soul of my first born. Truthfully, the first two are more important to me then the latter. Though there are a lot of fun and crazy stories I’m itching to tell, I would never share them on a public forum.

Last evening I watched the film I was first told to watch when I moved to LA in 2004. That movie is Swimming with Sharks. This indie gem chronicles the complicated relationship between straight-off-the-bus assistant Guy (Frank Whaley) and his heartless, demonic producer boss Buddy (Kevin Spacey). After a year of enduring (more…)

March 2, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

My Mom Blog

Mom blogs seem to be all the trend. I’m not sure why.
Don’t people relate better to self-involved twenty-something blogs? I mean reading long-winded soliloquies about ex-boyfriends and designer shoes is something we all enjoy, right?

Whether it be Dooce or The Bloggess or the ten million other popular Mom blogs, exploiting your offspring seems to be where it’s at.

Well, I never told you guys, but I have a daughter. Her name is Luanne and I gave birth to her yesterday. She’s a fantastic child. When she exited the womb she could already talk. Her first word was, “Jesus!”, but I don’t think it was in a “I love Jesus!” kind of way, but more like a, “What the fuck just happened?!” kind of way. We’ll need to teach her not to take the Lord’s name in vain.

Isn’t she a cutie patootie?

I gotta tell you though, Luanne was born hairy as shit. In my drug-induced daze I can even recall the nurses putting their hands up to their mouths and pointing. I have a feeling that the sperm bank lied (more…)
February 28, 2011 by
20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

Try a Little Tenderness

source

“I haven’t been in love in a long, long time,” she said to herself in the best Otis Redding impression she could muster up. Heightened emphasis on the first “long.” Eight ‘o’s’.

“I haven’t been in love in a loooooooong, long time,” she kept repeating just enough so the purpose behind the sentence meant nothing anymore.

“Hell, I’m not even sure I’ve ever been in love,” she laughs to herself. “I’ve been in infatuation and then something thereafter, I think?”

This prompts her to sing the Rod Stewart song of the same name, but it’s not as enjoyable as her made-up Otis song.

She takes a moment to think back on them all.

It started with Adam. He was the only one to run the course of infatuation, to post-infatuation, to end of the road.

Adam is married and lives in Kansas City and has a second baby on the way. Three weeks after he ended their four year relationship seven years ago, she stopped thinking about him. It scared her how quickly she got over (more…)

February 14, 2011 by
20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

This Must be the Place


Sunday was a quiet and simple day.

The sort of day that every person looks forward to. Sunny, warm, and sweet.

I wandered around the house pondering what to do. I was bored and feeling completely stalled.

Boredom blurs the lines of content and ambivalence.

I paced the house, I picked up and moved an object or two, I sat down, I stood up, I did 8 push-ups, I turned on the TV, I turned it off, I listened to 2 1/2 minutes of a song, I turned it off.

Finally, I stood in the doorway and looked down at the ground. Seven years ago, I thought, seven years ago this behavior would have culminated into me having a drink, me writing a bunch of nonsensical lament in my notebook, crying, then falling asleep fully clothed with streaks of mascara running down my face.

I was 20 then. I was in a new city. I knew no one. I worked 24/7. I felt utterly and completely alone. I was bored. I paced the house. I overthought. I discovered that I had insecurities. I had my heart broken by adults. (more…)

February 8, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Music

I Died While Listening to an Arcade Fire Song.


I died while listening to an Arcade Fire song.
It seems apropos, really.
I always secretly wished I’d go out to an epic swell in A minor.
The life soundtrack equivalent to the ending of a Six Feet Under episode.

I wasn’t thinking about anything truly important that moment. The thought that Funeral still remains far superior to any subsequent album released by the band crossed my mind.
Visualizing the dress I was going to be wearing to the dinner on Friday was fighting for the preliminary spot in my brain. I wanted something long and sleek, black…or maybe teal! I was into teal the months leading up to my death.

What I was thinking about foremost was getting home. Home being a relative term, I’m discovering now. What I wanted then was warmth from the cold air. To take off my skirt, put on some sweatpants, and watch that Ryan Reynolds movie sitting in the DVD player. But my actual home will forever exist in the memories of my childhood. The place I grew up. The house my parents (more…)

February 2, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Blink: Or What You Can Tell Just By Looking at Her Room

So, I started reading Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink because I couldn’t find Outliers at the used book store and I refuse to pay full price for the Outliers at a new book store even though I’m in the market for a book to COMPLETELY CHANGE MY LIFE. I don’t think that is going to happen with Blink, but I did learn an interesting tidbit or two. In Blink, Gladwell BEATS US OVER THE FREAKIN’ HEAD with the idea of trusting your instincts and taking heed in first impressions.
He mentions that a lot can be said about a person just by scanning their bedroom. He proves his point by describing an experiment where the personality traits of 80 students were judged by their closest friends and complete strangers who scanned their dorm rooms for 15 minutes. What the mastermind of the experiment- psychologist Samuel Gosling- found is that the strangers did an equally successful job at describing people they never met.
How can this be?
Well, Gosling says that “a person’s bedroom gives three kinds of (more…)
February 1, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

The Story of the Thief Who Wasn’t There

the picture that distracted me from impending death

It’s 4:30AM and I can’t sleep.

This may or may not have to do with the fact that the police were just in my house.

They were here because I called them, because I was convinced someone was in the house, because I might be losing my mind.

I woke like lightening to the sound of footsteps and the ruffling of a bag in our tiny two-bedroom house located in East Austin. My roommate wasn’t home and no one else has a key to the house, so my mind began racing. I didn’t know what to do- I was petrified– so I did what any logical terrified young girl would do and checked my Facebook and Twitter profiles. Some friends made comments about a photo of myself I posted earlier in the evening. They said I looked like MILF and that made me smile- even though I’m not a mom.

After getting lost in the adulation of my sexy mom poses, additional footsteps snapped me back to reality and I knew I had to think fast. Scanning the room I saw I had nothing of weight or (more…)

January 27, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

LOOK AT CUTE PICTURE OF DOG HERE

“Hey, Mom, how’s it going today?”

“GET DOWN! I SAID GET DOWN!”

“Oh, really, that sounds great.”

“HEY! YOU! STOP IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY!”

“Nice. I had a pretty relaxing day too.”

“NO! WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH?! WHAT. DO. YOU. HAVE. IN. YOUR. MOUTH??”

“Grandma has been constipated for three days now? Sheesh.”

“YOU ARE BEING SUCH A BRAT! YOU KNOW THAT? YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE BEING A BRAT? HUH?”

“Oh shit, I think my leg is on fire. I gotta go, Mom. “
(shock)
“YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT! GET BACK HERE. YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!”

(phone drops, inaudible scrambling in background)

Sigh

I used to be an only child. The world used to revolve around me.
Until she came along…

It’s difficult learning to share a parent at 22 years old.
It’s particularly difficult to share a parent with something that is not human.
You can’t reason with a 13-pound Jack Russell Terrier. You just can’t.
They think the world revolves around them too. So, having an only child and a Jack Russell Terrier in the same room is no good. We (more…)

January 25, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Am I a Hipster?


Hipster Scorecard

1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON’T FUCKING NEED)

Yes, that is a fanny pack
2.) However, I’ve been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn’t even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called “dyke” on a daily basis in middle school)
3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)
4.) I’m always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Lindsey Buckingham)
5.) I don’t wear pencil jeans, I’m not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)

6.) There exists many pictures of me wearing mustaches (-1 for having penis envy)

The Selleck

7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town that gets written up about in EVERY GOD FORSAKEN PUBLICATION)

8.) At least I’m not in Williamsburg (more…)
January 24, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

The Plight of the Only Child


I’m a left-handed Jewish only child Gemini female from a divorced family.

Well, Taurus now if you ask whoever the hell came up with the new zodiacs.

I know what you’re thinking. After re-reading the first sentence, I’m thinking the same thing too.

She must be a lot of work.

It’s easy to think that if you believe the stereotypes regarding left-handers, Jews, former Geminis, females and only children.

Oy vey! Do they write nasty things about only children! Just the other day I came across an article where they describe only children as “narcissistic”, “self-centered”, “stubborn”, “autonomous”, “alienating”, “loners”, “aloof” and “odd”.

How dare they!

They left out “uniquely gifted”, “supremely intelligent” and “God’s greatest gift to the world”, duh.

What I read about only children both enlightened and scared the living shit out of me. Some publications try to give us the benefit of the doubt and state that the generalizations of only children are typically not true, (more…)

January 18, 2011 by