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Dear Trader Joe’s, When Are You Opening in Austin?

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Dear Mr. Joe,

DUDE! WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU OPENING UP IN AUSTIN, HUH?!?!

Excuse me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. Let me regain my composure.

I’m just really really anxious about your impending arrival in our fair city.

Last year, you teased us with the news of your future opening in Austin like a laser pointer being aimed straight above a cat’s face.
YOU, SIR, ARE THE STUPID LASER POINTER AND WE ARE THE CATS!

YOU LEFT US AIMLESSLY PAWING AT THE FRIGGIN’ WALLS, oops, sorry, I mean, you left us aimlessly pawing at the walls, hoping, praying that we will somehow feel your physical presence.

Your establishment is a big deal to us Austinites since at one point or another we’ve experienced you in another city.
We got to try your fine $2.99 libations and magical cookie butter and the luscious tastes have never left our trembling lips.

You left an impression on us, sir. We dream about you often, in tropical Technicolor of reds, yellows and blues.
We (more…)

February 4, 2013 by hipstercrite

Austin, Film, Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Holy Crap! My Film Will be Premiering at SXSW!

You guys remember that movie I told you about? The one I co-wrote and co-produced and some of you were gracious enough to donate to so we could finish our post-production?

Well, it will be premiering under the Narrative Spotlights at the South by Southwest Film Festival this year!

I can’t believe that this idea born out of my late-night, heavy-breathing “Oh my God I’m going to DIE!” panic attacks is now a full-fledged movie premiering at one of my favorite film festivals.

We are beyond the Thunderdome excited. Like, I’m going to go bleach and feather my hair and put a chain-link dress on and find Mel Gibson and say, “Two men enter, one man leaves” excited.

The film was written in the summer of 2011, but the subject matter- gun culture- is all the more prevalent today. We couldn’t have imagined that the always important topic would (sadly) heat up again.

Since we shot the film, our lead actress Trieste Kelly Dunn was offered a reoccurring role on Alan Ball’s new TV show (more…)

February 1, 2013 by hipstercrite

Writing

What You Can Learn From Writing A Shit Ton

I just completed a seven month-long writing project.

Needless to say it fried my brain into that gross little brown turd-looking french fry that floats at the bottom of your basket.

However, the challenge was healthy and I learned a lot. I feel as though I’ve really grown as a writer.

Long-term writing projects are a great way to test your skills and patience.

Here is what you can learn from them:

1.) The thesaurus is your friend. FUCK what Stephen King said in his book On Writing- the thesaurus is awesome and finding big words that make you sound smarter than you actually are is good.

2.) Sitting for long stretches of time can make you feel like you’re 80 years old and probably dying.

3.) If you stare at the computer screen long enough, you’ll develop vertigo and feel as if you’re riding a unicorn.

4.) Telling people that you think you’re physically and mentally dying from a long-term writing project provokes no sympathy and only stares of “SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

5.) (more…)

January 30, 2013 by hipstercrite

20-Something

A New Year, Another Year Older and Am I Happy?

I’ve been encountering many people who are down in the dumps lately.

Maybe it’s seasonal depression, though that’s difficult to diagnose in Austin when January has seen eighty degree temperatures.

Or maybe it’s that the new year brings a slew of questions and few answers.

The majority of the people who claim that they’re sad, lonely and confused are also saying they have no idea what they’re doing with their life.

A new year, another year older and am I happy?

Some of these individuals are highly established in their careers and personal lives, while others are not. It doesn’t matter if you’re a famous filmmaker or an aspiring musician/restaurant server- we’re all in the same boat (which is also a nice reminder not to compare yourself to others).

I spent a great deal of my twenties asking this question. I drifted from East Coast to West Coast to Third Coast trying to discover who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. There were many nights drinking alone, calling (more…)

January 29, 2013 by hipstercrite

Austin, Film, Pop Culture

Awesome Lady Hero of the Day: Adrienne Shelly

Ever since I was a little girl I was fascinated with the art and fantasy of film. This fascination led me to film school and then to Los Angeles where I held an assistant role at the production company of an Oscar Award-winning actor.

My upbringing and surroundings in Los Angeles barely introduced me to the world of independent cinema. Sure, I saw movies that weren’t produced by large studios, but they were still the films that had known actors in them or were bought for millions of dollars at Sundance. I had no concept of the 99% of other independent films on the film festival or local scenes (film school most definitely doesn’t tell you about this world either). My childhood art house theater was 30 miles away from my home and when I dragged my high school friends to see American Beauty (not an independent film and produced by Dreamworks), I thought I truly knew what independent film was.

It wasn’t until I moved to Austin and began meeting a large number of the country’s best (more…)

January 24, 2013 by hipstercrite

Austin

Hipstercrite’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family Blog Solution (i.e. My Blogging 101 Class!)

Gxfhkasdwrwq, dfhkadfh!
Wait, a minute. Let me take a sip of my coffee.
Ahh…that’s better.
Howdy, gang!
So, I’m putting on a blogging class! Yay!
I came up with the blogging class idea last year and with the outpouring of interest and support I decided to make that dream a reality!

This blogging class is for:
–Peeps who want to start a blog but don’t know where to start.
–Peeps who already have a blog, but want to make it more awesome than it already is.

In the class we will discuss:

–So Which Blogging Platform Really is Best?: We’ll go over the pros and cons of WordPress, Blogger, Typepad, Squarespace, Tumblr etc. and decide which one is best for you.

–To Niche or Not to Niche: What the hell should I make my blog about? What sort of blog do people like to read? Should I just post a bunch of selfies and hope that fashion designers will pay for advertising on my blog?

–Is Content Really King?: You can have a sleek-looking blog, but if you have poo-poo for content, (more…)

January 22, 2013 by hipstercrite

20-Something, Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Tell Me Your Secrets and I’ll Tell You Mine

Once in a while I tell secrets on my blog.

What the hell am I talking about? I have no secrets. I throw up every thought, feeling and experience like a kid on a roller coaster after gorging him or herself at The Golden Corral. You’re subjected to the constant diarrhea of my mental flow.

However, one time I did have a specific secrets post where I shared details about sunbathing nude on the rooftop of my former celebrity boss’ office and being called “carpetmuncher” as a child.

It’s been a few years since that post, so I’ve decided to add to the list:

-One time Jeremy Irons hit on me. At least I think he did. I’m assuming he thought I was someone else though. I was standing alone in the corner of a Toronto Film Festival party and he walked up, stuck out his hand and said, “Hiii, I’m Jerrrrrrremey” in his flirty English accent. Confused, I stuck out my hand quickly and said, “Hi, I’m Lauren” and then we stood there side-by-side in silence until I nervously walked away.

-I (more…)

January 18, 2013 by hipstercrite

20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

Do You Suffer From Hypochondria?

I’ve been suffering from a disease for quite some time now. Denial has kept me from acknowledging in, but after much research and soul-searching I’ve finally come to terms with this infliction.

I suffer from hypochondria.

It’s an exhausting ailment that takes a great deal out of me. A large portion of my mental energy is exerted while imagining diseases I could be dying from. There has been the “side cancer” I thought I was battling for the past two months (kidney infection), the blood clot in my arm (pulled muscle), the brain tumor (sinus headaches) and a plethora of other aches and pains that I assume must be life-threatening. If I didn’t have shitty-ass insurance, I’d probably be at the doctor every time my appetite is low (must be scurvy!) or am sleepy (thyroid cancer!). All the little stories I’ve heard and accumulated through the years- the friend of a friend of a friend who didn’t know he had diabetes and almost went into a coma, the film business acquaintance who didn’t (more…)

January 17, 2013 by hipstercrite

Fashion/Design, Hipstercrite Life

Blonde vs. Brunette: The Lifelong Battle of What Color to Dye My Hair

I need your help!

I’d love a hair makeover for the premiere of our film at SXSW this year, but I’m not sure what style and color to go with!

I’m currently blonde, but have a paranoia that my blonde hair is actually a green-orange brassy tone and that makes me look like a crack whore or Sarah Jessica Parker (the next time someone tells me I look like SJP I will PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE!)

My natural hair color leans more towards brunette, but it’s more so a mousy gray blob color that deserves to NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY EVER AGAIN!

So my options are: have a professional make my blonde hair look less crack-whorey or dye my hair dark brown.

OH! And should I do bangs?

January 15, 2013 by hipstercrite

Austin, Travel

Exploring the Americana of Small Town Texas (pics)

Geoff and I took a lovely trip to Gonzales, Texas this weekend (60 miles due south from Austin on Highway 183); he was acting in a movie and I was happily reconnecting with nature after becoming a complete workaholic recluse.

Acting is something that Geoff has gotten into recently (he acted in two movies last year) and disconnecting with reality and working on the couch is my current hobby. Needless to say, the short trip was advantageous for both of us (though I had a mini-meltdown when I realized that the SOLE coffee shop in Gonzales closed down over two years ago).

Gonzales, like similar old towns dotted over the state of Texas, is small and quaint. A sign proclaiming, “Pocketknives are IN! Pick up yours today!” greeted us as we drove in. Like rings on a tree, you can see the decades of wear on the semi-deserted downtown. On the smallest ring, you see the strong, granite buildings from the 1800s with beautiful tin tile ceilings and floor to rooftop windows. The next ring you can (more…)

January 14, 2013 by hipstercrite

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