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Film, Pop Culture

How to Be Jeff Goldblum

The other day I thought, “I wish I was Jeff Goldblum.”

I mean, who doesn’t have that thought, right?

Goldblum is gold…and blum.

Translation: Jeff Goldblum is a golden flower.

Everything about him just oozes awkward sexy golden Jew flower man and who doesn’t love that? Who? WHO!? TELL ME!!!

When I watch clips of Jeff Goldblum, I think, “I want to be like that. I want to smirk and fondle the air and sniff people.”

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve had a secret quest to turn myself into a middle-aged Jewish man. When I was small, it was Rod Serling and several Marx Brothers. Now, it’s the Blum.

I’ve been a Goldblum fan for a long time. I distinctly recall having a feeling similar to that of climbing the rope in gym class while watching Jeff Goldblum for the first time in Jurassic Park. After that, I ran out and rented every Goldblum movie I could get my grubby little hands on: Vibes, Earth Girls Are Easy, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, Into the Night etc. all (more…)

April 25, 2012 by
20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

What I’ve Learned From My Post-College Jobs

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I had had several jobs before my recent decent into freelancedom.

The reason why I had several jobs is because like most early twenty-somethings I decided that the career path I was on, the career I went to college for, was not right for me.

Well, that’s not exactly true.

I went to college for screenwriting, but ended up in Los Angeles as a personal assistant to famous people. I had completely lost sight of any goals or dreams while working that job. Actually, I really had no idea what my goals and dreams were, but the stress of my job prevented me from thinking about anything other than if my boss was taken care of and if I would die a sad, lonely spinster.

After many years of drinking myself to sleep, it finally dawned on me how miserable I was and I left my career. Finding myself now 25 years old and absolutely clueless as to what to do next, I worked a series of jobs that I thought would interest me (they didn’t) OR just plain ol’ paid the bills (hence my resentment (more…)

April 23, 2012 by
20-Something, Film, Pop Culture

I’m Jealous of Lena Dunham. There. I Said It.

After finding myself rolling my eyes at yet another Internet ad for HBO’s new series, Girls, I had to finally admit to myself that my aversion to Lena Dunham is because I’m utterly and completely jealous of her.

I’ve never wanted to be that girl who dislikes other girls simply because they have something I don’t. I try to be supportive of my gender because we girls need to look out for one another. I think Dunham said it herself in a recent interview, “a success for one woman is a success for all of us.”

Or she could have not said that, I’m not sure. I’ve read so many freaking articles about her lately, I can’t keep track. But if she did say that, maybe she’s right. Maybe she’ll pave the way for us narcissistic twenty-somethings who love talking about our less than unique neuroses and “problems.” We need a champion, damnit!

Or maybe she just fucked us all.

My contention with Dunham developed after viewing the first 20 minutes of her freshman feature, Tiny Furniture. My initial (more…)

April 20, 2012 by
Fashion/Design, Hipstercrite Life

I Creamed My Face (Or What Skincare Products Work Best)

Throughout the past fifteen years, I’ve had ups and downs with my skin. When I lived in Los Angeles it was clogged and oily. If work stress didn’t make it difficult for me to keep my skin clear, then the heavy layer of smog suffocating everyone did. When I moved to Austin my skin got healthier, but it’s never been 100% perfect. I’m sure I’ve had a lady friend or two with airtight pores who has gotten super uncomfortable with me staring at their canvas-like faces for long periods of time. How does their skin stay so perfect?, I think.

The one upside to having slightly oily skin is that it keeps you from getting super wrinkly early.

At 28, my skin has found a happy medium. I would be stupid if I didn’t recognize that it mostly has to do with my hormones, but I’d like to think that my skincare regime plays a part in it. A year ago I noticed the cobwebs around my eyes were starting to define themselves. At times I looked tired and old. Then I remembered my Mom’s age-old saying, “Always (more…)

April 19, 2012 by
Austin, Pop Culture

Top Ten Reasons I’m Excited Trader Joe’s is Coming to Austin

Hallelujah! Trader Joe’s is coming to Austin!

Here are the top ten reasons I just pissed my pants.

1.) I can finally try whatever the hell this gift from God is:

It tastes like gingerbread AND crushed biscuits! (pic by Chrissie!)


2.) I can pretend that I know a lot about wine because the walls of my house will be lined with Two Buck Chuck.

3.) I will no longer have to overdose on Xanax to fight the hordes of college students while getting lost at HEB Hancock.

4.) When I need a Chinese Orange Chicken fix, I no longer have to drive all the way to Panda Express with the look of a crack addict fighting withdrawal. I can buy this:

5.) I can stop crying on a nightly basis.

6.) I can pretend that I know how to cook because Trader Joe’s has THE MOST AMAZING GOURMET FREEZER FOOD ON THE PLANET!!!!!

7.) I can pull my Hawaiian shirt out of the closet and wear it proudly because a Trader Joe’s style trend will catch like wildfire in Austin.

8.) I can stick my face in this:

 9.) (more…)

April 18, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life

What I Learned Filing Taxes as a Freelance Writer

This year was my first year filing an ass load of 1099s. Luckily the 1099s were offset by a W-2 job I had for the first 8 months of the year. (I only owe $300 this year!) September of 2011 was the first time I made the leap into freelancedom and I’ve not looked back. Next year’s taxes are going to be cray-cray.

I was really nervous about filing as a newbie freelance writer. I had no idea how much in taxes I was going to owe and I wasn’t sure the best way to go about filing. (Should I go with an accountant or the TurboTax route?) I did my research and ended up filing with TurboTax Home & Business yesterday. It was painless and I learned a lot from it. Side note– I haven’t gotten to the self-employed quarterly taxes part in my freelance life yet. That’s the next hurdle.

I’m neither a tax/accounting professional nor well experienced in this matter. In other words, I’m full of shit half of the time, so please take my suggestions below with a grain of salt and do your research first! (more…)

April 17, 2012 by
Austin, Writing

Justice for Cisco: Dog Killed by Austin Police

Last night I noticed a Facebook page spreading like wildfire amongst my Austin friends. The page’s name is Justice for Cisco and it tells the story of a man’s dog who was was senselessly shot and killed by an Austin police officer on April 14th. According to the dog’s owner, Michael Paxton, the police officer was responding to a domestic violence call and came to Paxton’s address by mistake. The officer drew his gun on Paxton, who was standing in his driveway. Paxton’s Blue Heeler, Cisco, came from the backyard and started barking at the police officer. Unable to move due to having a gun pointed at him, Paxton could not restrain his dog. Paxton told the police officer that Cisco would not bite, but the officer shot Cisco in the chest and killed him right in front of his owner.

According to a message by Paxton’s friend, Candace Michele, on the “Justice for Cisco” page, “Nothing will likely happen to Officer Griffin for any of this, as his supervisor arrived after everything took place, (more…)

April 16, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life

We Got Old

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As many of you know, the person I’ve only known as a grandfather, Lionel, has Alzheimer’s. It has gotten worse and these past few months have been difficult for my family. I decided to write a fairly personal post on CultureMap about it. It was a tough one to write.

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“Yesterday, Lionel couldn’t make it to the bathroom fast enough,” my mother told me. “I guess he made quite the mess.”

I lingered on the mental image of this for a few seconds before I answered my mother.

“Why is he unable to make it to the bathroom in time?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I guess he can’t walk fast enough.”

She paused.

“He told Grandma that he should just kill himself.”

The only man I’ve ever known as a grandfather has Alzheimer’s. I spoke about his disease in the past, but so much has changed since then. The tipping point has dropped. We were fearful it would come with a loud bang, but instead it’s been a never-ending, tortuous whisper.

Lionel recently moved out (more…)

April 14, 2012 by
Fashion/Design

What I Wore Today: I’m a Sheriff!

What I Wore Today:
Shirt: Ladies pearl snap, Thrift Town, $2
Jeans: Gap, 1999, $-25
Jewelry: Faux silver AAA School Safety Patrol badge, $1,
Hat: Custom cowboy hat, $150
Facial hair: real, priceless

Notes: I decided to dress like a sheriff today because I can.

What I’m Doing Today: Shaving my legs, finally

Mood: In the mood to pickle!

April 13, 2012 by