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Teach Me to Love Location-Based Social Networking, Please

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Being on the computer for more hours than I am not in a day, I’d like to think…whoa, wait. Is that true? Am I really on the computer more hours than I am not? Holy shit. Wow, I need to assess this… but not right now. I’m not sure if you want to see me having an awkward lecture with myself right now. I notice that when I do such things in public, it makes people uncomfortable.

So, being on the computer an ass ton, I’d like to think that I’m pretty Internet savvy. I tweet the living shit out of everything and turned into one of those assholes who has over 1000 friends on Facebook for no reason. I kind of use LinkedIn, I enjoyed StumbleUpon for about 5 minutes, and I’d like to start a Kickstarter page to fund production on my screenplay about a family of Jewish chimpanzees who start a yoga studio in Minneapolis.

However, there is one social media platform that I just haven’t warmed up to and that is location-based social networking.

What’s the big dealio, (more…)

March 31, 2011 by
Writing

Inspire Me: 5 Ways to Beat Writer’s Block

obligatory cheesy stock photo….ha, like people still use pen and paper

I just can’t do it.
There is nothing to come out of me. The experiences that I drew inspiration from have been over-talked, over-analyzed and are simply dried up.
I don’t dream of Los Angeles anymore. I don’t lament in my twenty-something confusion anymore.
I simply live a normal and happy life in Austin, Texas.
This should be something that one can take inspiration from, right? A well-adjusted, healthy, and drama-free life?
Then why do I have writer’s block?

When these sort of times occur in my life, I try to recall a number of steps that help me get out of my rut. Though simple, the exercises below are sure-fire ways to help…and I probably won’t do any of them.

1.) Travel– From the act of getting somewhere to the people and places you see along the way, traveling is always a great way to inspire creativity. Not only do I feel mentally and physically better after getting out of my daily (more…)

March 30, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

You Can’t Take a Picture, It’s Already Gone.

The best way to begin your transformation into a masochist is by watching the last season of Six Feet Under more than once.

No creation on this planet simultaneously enlightens and destroys you quite like that show did.

I can pretty much attribute my whole weekend being shot to watching those twelve snot bubble-inducing episodes.

I knew what I was in for. I watched the whole series a few years back and recalled that I was completely immobile for two hours after viewing the series finale. A lead weight on the couch, screaming, bawling, unwilling to speak to anyone or move. My appetite was gone and all I wanted to do was stay curled up and die and join everyone in heaven. I had just lost like 8 people I had really gotten to know well and felt like shit.

I decided that I wanted to lose them all over again this weekend.

My mother kept calling me this weekend wondering why she hadn’t heard from me, “Where did you disappear to?” she asked.

“I’m watching a show! I’ll call you (more…)

March 28, 2011 by
Music, Writing

Happy Birthday, Elton John- My Lover

Today is Elton John’s birthday.

I remember this because there was a time- a very long time ago- when I would fantasize about that man on a daily basis.

And when I say “fantasize”, I mean exactly that.

I even wrote an essay about it- “Discovering Your Sexuality Through Hairy Gay Men”.

Elton John happened to be the dude I fixated on when my hormones were ragin’ and my nose was growing disproportionately to my head.

This maybe explains a lot about who I am.

Or at least I’d like to think that it does?

Or maybe I’m desperately hoping that it does…?

So in honor of that sexy pile of pasty man dough, I’m reposting my little love letter to Sir Elton John.

_______________________________________________________

Remember that age when you started discovering your sexuality?


That awkward, dreadful time when you didn’t understand why your male friends suddenly felt the urge to show you their penises while you were trying to reenact “X-files” episodes in the basement (more…)
March 25, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

Lionel Won’t Stop Buying Ice Cream

Grandma doing her most favorite thing in the world- slapping Lionel


Grandma: I now have what you call “muffins”.

Me: What?

Grandma: My stomach is blubbery and turned into muffins.

Me: Do you mean a “muffin top”? You have a muffin top?

Grandma: Yes, I have muffins.

I speak to my grandmother almost every day and typically an exchange like the one above happens every time I talk to her. Our conversations are never boring. My favorite is when she asked me how my “blah” was doing. You know, that thing I’m writing this post on right now? I’m extremely close to my grandmother and the past few months have been challenging for all of us. She broke her back in multiple places and refused to take painkillers and her live-in boyfriend of twelve years, Lionel, is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The excruciating pain mixed with Grandma’s belief that Lionel is acting forgetful to spite her made her a raging bitch for awhile. Now the pain has subsided and she can walk vertically, (more…)

March 24, 2011 by
Austin, Hipstercrite Life

I’ve Become Scared of My Own Shadow

Lately I’ve had this growing illogical fear that every single evening someone is trying to break into my house.

Every single night.

Typically around 4AM.

I guess that would make it morning then? 4AM is that ungodly time that really deserves it’s own time of day. It’s the gateway from night into morning. It’s dark and ominous and you most likely won’t hear a soul except for the psychopath hiding outside your window. My window. He likes to hang out there and tap melodies on the pane and dance on dead leaves. He’s a pretty bad dancer from what I can tell, but are psychopaths ever really good dancers?

This fear has begun effecting my life greatly. My sleeping patterns have become distressed and I often wake up to my heart pounding through my chest. Recently I even found myself standing on the street corner in my silk robe dialing 911 in one hand and brandishing an Ikea paring knife and Swiffer mop in the other. That evening I was absolutely convinced someone was in my house and (more…)

March 23, 2011 by
Music, Pop Culture

Top 6 Dumbass Band Names

SXSW is a good time to sit back and reflect on all the dumbass band names that people come up with.

Oh, and there are a lot of them.

Take for instance the SXSW crowd favorite Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All.

What does this mean!? It’s not even a dark and brooding sentence like most ridiculous band names. It’s like they did the old Bowie trick and put some words into a hat. What’s so odd about the future, huh? And why does Mozart have to be wrangled in to your poor naming skills? Leave him alone! And don’t go making him killing everybody! Mozart was a good man. He wrote ‘The Magic Flute’ and I kind of like it.

I will not listen to this band purely based off of their name. There. You lost a potential listener due to your inability to come up with a winning band name (absolutely nota Charlie Sheen reference). Same goes for most of these bands below. Your band names suck and here is why….

Tell me your favorite dumbass band name!

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (or CYHSY)
Where (more…)

March 22, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

The Rainbow Connection

Once in awhile someone comes along and creates a Muppets-themed cardboard window for your car. They do this because you attended a screening of their movie and while inside, someone broke into your car. They may have also done this because they like you. Maybe. And though you should call your car insurance provider and finally get a quote on how much this window is going to cost, a part of you doesn’t want to give up the Muppet window. You like riding around with Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Fozzie in the passenger seat. More importantly you like that he drew this for you one evening by the light of your cell phone.

If your car was broken into, what would you draw on your new cardboard window?

 

March 21, 2011 by
Austin, Film, Music, Pop Culture

The Characters of SXSW

Austin-based company Software Advice sent me an AWESOME sketch breakdown they did of the different archetypes one would see at SXSW. They’re pretty spot-on. Here is a little snippet below, but you can check out the rest of their hilarious drawings here, or follow them on Twitter here, or ‘like’ their Facebook fan page here.

(Interactive) Aspiring Entrepreneur

“We’re Twitter meets Zynga with an API that transforms the social graph.”

He’s an alpha male in a beta body, rockin’ the hoodie and flip flops – just like Zuck. SXSW Interactive attracts a swarm of these php-smokin’, eager beavers. You’ll find him at “Business Model 101: How To Actually Make Money?,” but he wishes he was at the Android Developer Meetup. You’ll often find the PR Chick and the Venture Capitalist in hot pursuit – a stunning reversal of the social order that was in place during college, last year. At least one of these aspiring entrepreneurs will join the digital elite within a year. And OMG, you totally ordered (more…)

March 18, 2011 by
Austin, Film, Music

The Best Part of SXSW Is…

My friend from college, Joe Nicolosi, is a super talented filmmaker. Everyone in Austin knows it, but now it looks like the world does too! Joe is the filmmaker behind the SXSW “film bumpers” you see before a screening. Truth be told, Joe’s various bumpers are better than many of the movies this year. This guy has real talent and you should check out the video below. Within two days, his short video, Mario, went from 300 Youtube hits to over 300,000 and climbing! I have a feeling you’ll be seeing more of this guy soon…

March 17, 2011 by