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Hipster Valentine’s Day Gift Guide 2011

Last year I wrote a 2-part Hipster Valentine’s Day Gift Guide that people seemed to dig. (Pt. 1 and Pt. 2)

Well, I guess it’s that mo-fo’ing time again, so here is this year’s Hipster Valentine’s Gift Guide.

Enjoy!

1.) I Luff You Annie Hall Print– This is the perfect gift for the significant other you’re just too socially awkward and narcissistic to actually say ‘I Love You’ to. The print, designed by Mike Oncley, is one of my favorite finds on Etsy. This is one in a series of Annie Hall prints and they’re all beautiful. $20 and $40

2.) Just Kids by Patti Smith– Cause nothing says, “Baby, I might be gay- like really gay- but you’re still my soul mate” more than Patti Smith’s Just Kids. I know this book has been out for awhile, but if your girl hasn’t read it yet, it might be time to give it to her so she can stop being in denial about why you like to shove whips up your butt. $6.98

3.) Love Letter by R. Kelly-Unfortunately significantly less dirty that R. Kelly’s previous jams, this album is (more…)

February 7, 2011 by
Music, Pop Culture

Top 4 Songs About Messed Up Relationships

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, which means who gives a shit?

It’s a day for grade-schoolers who are clueless about heartbreak and disappointment and women who send flowers to themselves. For people to buy bottom shelf chocolate for their significant others that will get half eaten and for men to coerce their ladies into having sex with them for the first time in months.

This time of year the TV and radio is littered with cheesy rom-coms and sappy love songs. I dig the cheese fest just as much as the rest of you all, but sometimes it gets old. There really is only so much alone time you can spend with a Marvin Gaye tune, a bottle of wine, a photo of Ryan Gosling above your bed, and a lot of concentration. Not everyone has a significant other on Valentine’s Day. Some people just got dumped. Some people are going through a divorce. Some people are with a partner they resent and despise. Where is their holiday, huh?

So in honor of anti-Valentine’s Day, I’d like to list my top (more…)

February 4, 2011 by
Film, Pop Culture

The Dude Who Played Fredo

Or the retarded brother in The Godfather.
That’s probably what you know him as.
“Oh, the guy with the huge forehead? The one that Mickey has whacked out on the boat? (whoops, just gave that away) The Buster Bluth of the Corleone Family? You mean, that guy?”

No. He’s not that guy.

Shame on you. He’s so much more than a big foreheaded, dead retarded brother.

He was John Cazale and he was awesome.

John Cazale had been a fascination of mine ever since I saw The Godfather when I was 15. Here was this guy acting alongside some of the best actors of the past 75 years and I had no idea who he was. Then I saw him in Dog Day Afternoon and I thought, “What the f happened to this guy?” He was in the same league as heavyweights like Pacino, Brando, and DeNiro and he just simply disappeared. He was in some of the greatest movies of the 1970’s and by many accounts, of all time. So what happened to him? I thought, “Awwww shit! This guy’s career must have taken a nosedive after the 70’s (more…)

February 3, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Music

I Died While Listening to an Arcade Fire Song.


I died while listening to an Arcade Fire song.
It seems apropos, really.
I always secretly wished I’d go out to an epic swell in A minor.
The life soundtrack equivalent to the ending of a Six Feet Under episode.

I wasn’t thinking about anything truly important that moment. The thought that Funeral still remains far superior to any subsequent album released by the band crossed my mind.
Visualizing the dress I was going to be wearing to the dinner on Friday was fighting for the preliminary spot in my brain. I wanted something long and sleek, black…or maybe teal! I was into teal the months leading up to my death.

What I was thinking about foremost was getting home. Home being a relative term, I’m discovering now. What I wanted then was warmth from the cold air. To take off my skirt, put on some sweatpants, and watch that Ryan Reynolds movie sitting in the DVD player. But my actual home will forever exist in the memories of my childhood. The place I grew up. The house my parents (more…)

February 2, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Blink: Or What You Can Tell Just By Looking at Her Room

So, I started reading Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink because I couldn’t find Outliers at the used book store and I refuse to pay full price for the Outliers at a new book store even though I’m in the market for a book to COMPLETELY CHANGE MY LIFE. I don’t think that is going to happen with Blink, but I did learn an interesting tidbit or two. In Blink, Gladwell BEATS US OVER THE FREAKIN’ HEAD with the idea of trusting your instincts and taking heed in first impressions.
He mentions that a lot can be said about a person just by scanning their bedroom. He proves his point by describing an experiment where the personality traits of 80 students were judged by their closest friends and complete strangers who scanned their dorm rooms for 15 minutes. What the mastermind of the experiment- psychologist Samuel Gosling- found is that the strangers did an equally successful job at describing people they never met.
How can this be?
Well, Gosling says that “a person’s bedroom gives three kinds of (more…)
February 1, 2011 by
Film, Pop Culture

The Art of Seat Filling

fresh off the bus

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my early years in Los Angeles. This is due to the fact my first employers in Hollywood have been nominated for multiple honors this award season and I’ve been joyfully watching them on TV as they walk to the stage to receive their statues. There is a good chance they will be bringing home some Oscars this year as well.

I moved to Los Angeles when I was 20 after being offered a job at said employer’s company while interning there. Before my internship ended, I interviewed the president of the company for a class project and within our three hour meeting, he asked if I wanted to be his assistant. I was shocked. I politely reminded him that not only did I have zero experience in Los Angeles, but I was still a student and completely clueless as to the ways of the world.

He assured me that I would learn.

It was then I knew that my life would change forever.

I remember getting into my car, The Beatles “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” playing on (more…)

January 31, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

The Story of the Thief Who Wasn’t There

the picture that distracted me from impending death

It’s 4:30AM and I can’t sleep.

This may or may not have to do with the fact that the police were just in my house.

They were here because I called them, because I was convinced someone was in the house, because I might be losing my mind.

I woke like lightening to the sound of footsteps and the ruffling of a bag in our tiny two-bedroom house located in East Austin. My roommate wasn’t home and no one else has a key to the house, so my mind began racing. I didn’t know what to do- I was petrified– so I did what any logical terrified young girl would do and checked my Facebook and Twitter profiles. Some friends made comments about a photo of myself I posted earlier in the evening. They said I looked like MILF and that made me smile- even though I’m not a mom.

After getting lost in the adulation of my sexy mom poses, additional footsteps snapped me back to reality and I knew I had to think fast. Scanning the room I saw I had nothing of weight or (more…)

January 27, 2011 by
Writing

It’s Blog Redesign Time

Every once in awhile I get a giant bug in my ass to change my blog.
Much like changing your hair color once a boyfriend breaks up with you, I’m constantly anxious to shake things up a bit when I’m feeling complacent.

In the past, this anxiety typically builds and builds until one night I’m pacing the living room, drinking wine out of a juice box, and watching the same episodes of Arrested Development over and over for inspiration. Then I usually get distracted by something else and end up making only minute changes to my blog or dropping the idea all together.

However, this time I can’t shake the desire to make a change. It’s been months in the making and now has reached a point where if I don’t make a change, I fear that I’ll begin resenting my blog and shooting it disdainful glances when I wake up in the morning.

This may all sound a little over-dramatic, but I’m sure many of you can relate to wanting the aesthetic of a product of yours looking snazzy. Outside of looking more (more…)

January 26, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

LOOK AT CUTE PICTURE OF DOG HERE

“Hey, Mom, how’s it going today?”

“GET DOWN! I SAID GET DOWN!”

“Oh, really, that sounds great.”

“HEY! YOU! STOP IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY!”

“Nice. I had a pretty relaxing day too.”

“NO! WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH?! WHAT. DO. YOU. HAVE. IN. YOUR. MOUTH??”

“Grandma has been constipated for three days now? Sheesh.”

“YOU ARE BEING SUCH A BRAT! YOU KNOW THAT? YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE BEING A BRAT? HUH?”

“Oh shit, I think my leg is on fire. I gotta go, Mom. “
(shock)
“YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT! GET BACK HERE. YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!”

(phone drops, inaudible scrambling in background)

Sigh

I used to be an only child. The world used to revolve around me.
Until she came along…

It’s difficult learning to share a parent at 22 years old.
It’s particularly difficult to share a parent with something that is not human.
You can’t reason with a 13-pound Jack Russell Terrier. You just can’t.
They think the world revolves around them too. So, having an only child and a Jack Russell Terrier in the same room is no good. We (more…)

January 25, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Am I a Hipster?


Hipster Scorecard

1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON’T FUCKING NEED)

Yes, that is a fanny pack
2.) However, I’ve been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn’t even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called “dyke” on a daily basis in middle school)
3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)
4.) I’m always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Lindsey Buckingham)
5.) I don’t wear pencil jeans, I’m not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)

6.) There exists many pictures of me wearing mustaches (-1 for having penis envy)

The Selleck

7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town that gets written up about in EVERY GOD FORSAKEN PUBLICATION)

8.) At least I’m not in Williamsburg (more…)
January 24, 2011 by