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Hipstercrite


I’m sitting in one of those cafes. You know, the kind that formerly housed a family grocery or hardware store, where the window front is covered in concert posters, Blik decals, and magazine cut-outs of community bestowed accolades. The now Mojito Green and Palm Springs Peach painted brick walls are thick with layers of paint with trendy names of time’s past. The tin ceiling tells us that this building has been around a lot longer than any of us have.

I’m in the Mission District, San Francisco. I’m in Silver Lake, Los Angeles. I’m in Hawthorne, Portland. I’m in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

I’m anywhere.

But I’m actually sitting in Austin, TX and watching a beautiful, lanky young woman in glasses that resemble that of my great aunt Stella’s, talk very purposely to her similarly clad friend, with a cigarette in one hand, and a Lone Star beer in the other. She was the gawky twig with the overbite that kids had no option but to make fun of in 8th grade.

She gets up from her seat. The manner in which (more…)

June 25, 2010 by
Writing

A Day to Celebrate Jeff Goldblum

From here on out, I’m deeming every Thursday this summer the day of celebrating B-list celebrities with A-list personalities.

Last week we celebrated Rick Moranis, who will always be an A++ in my book.

Today we will be featuring Jeff Goldblum.
The Blum.
Brundlefly.
Dr. Ian Malcolm.
Big Giant Horny Perpetually Tan Middle-Aged Awesome Man.
Who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum?
Who?
WHO???
Tell me, because I will throw my Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park action figure at that person repeatedly until they concede.
What is there to say about Jeff Goldblum that hasn’t already been said?
He’s the Cary Grant of our time.
Ok, that’s a stretch.
He is the Cary Grant of our time if Cary Grant had been Jewish and really really popular at computer camp.
One thing that can not be denied though, is The Blum’s contribution to cinema:
The Big Chill, The Fly, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, Earth Girls Are Easy, Vibes, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, Igby Goes Down, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

June 24, 2010 by
Writing

My Ability to Go On Long Tangents About Bret Easton Ellis Will Either Impress You or Bore the Living Crap Out of You

I rarely write reviews because I suck ass at them.

I’m more into the aesthetics than analysis, which is great for walking through museums, foreign lands, and pedestrian malls, but not good for dating and probably not good for writing reviews.

However, since my favorite author, Bret Easton Ellis, rarely releases a book, I feel that the debut of his latest novel, Imperial Bedrooms, is worth talking about on my blog.

Plus, the hipsters, they fucking love this guy. I mean looooooove him.

They buy their freakin‘ Wayfarers and try to act all ambivalent about everything and use words like “apathetic” and “nihilistic” a lot. They tweet quotes from his novels and write short story homages to their modern-day J. D. Salinger.

It’s actually kind of annoying.

Ok. So here is a little back story:

Bret Easton Ellis is the gentleman who wrote American Psycho, Less Than Zero, and The Rules of Attraction (all made into movies). He also wrote, The Informers (which I forget was made into a movie because (more…)

June 21, 2010 by
Writing

How To Disappear Completely

“Sometimes I feel like I’ll end up living in a glass house overlooking the city. Watching everyone but never touching them, and they will never touch me.” I say to my psychiatrist without really looking at her. I am looking past her. Out past the palm trees lining the parking lot, past the faux-Renaissance multi-million dollar house barely holding itself in place on the hillside, past the burnt mountaintop, and out towards the thick layer of purple-orange hue blanketing what one can only guess is the ocean, since the board game seems to end there.


 “You bring up the glass house a lot. Why do you think that is?”

I’m thrown by her question. Aren’t I the one to be asking the questions? Answers are not something I’ve been known to have as of late.

“I don’t know. Because this town is isolating. I feel isolated?” I ask, forcing myself to look her in the eyes for once.

My psychiatrist is beautiful. I imagine she is the woman I’d like to be one day. Behind the (more…)

June 20, 2010 by
Writing

What I’ve Learned From The Men I’ve Dated

#10
I realized the other day that it’s been seven years since my longest relationship ended.

I also realized that in between that time, I’ve dated:

Producer–>Actor–>Director of Photography–>Editor–>Photographer–>Actor (word used lightly)–>Musician–>Comedian–>Apple Store Employee–>Painter–>Director–>Editor–> Photographer

Besides the accidental Apple Store employee who I wasn’t trying to hit up for his discount during the release of the iPhone 3G, though I should have, do you notice a trend?

“What are you talking about?! I don’t notice a trend at all!” I’d tell my mother when she’d point this out to me time after time again. However, it took writing the list out in an IM to a friend recently for the realization to sink in like a drunk semi swerving off the Golden Gate Bridge.
Digesting these two bits of information forced me to reflect back on what I have learned throughout my dating experiences. What have I learned through the years of dating men who enjoy their guitars, their cameras, (more…)
June 17, 2010 by
Writing

Damn You Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham!

I blame you for my warped view of love!
You’ve doomed me to believe that I’ll never know what real love is unless I have the urge to write 150 songs about some dude involving the words “angel”, “destiny”, or “crystal-something”. Of course he would have to write angry, less poetic, monosyllable songs attacking my character and talent. I would have to wear layers of billowy chiffon and a hairstyle that looks like a goose down pillow exploded on my head; he would have to have a huge 70’s white man ‘fro, wear chest hair embellishing v-necks with gold chains, and platform shoes though he’s already six feet tall. He would have to play the guitar with no pic and glare at me onstage when a lyric referred to me. I would twirl around a lot. We’d go do a line of coke, then go boink backstage.
Yeah, that’s real love.
Fleetwood Mac’s reunion live show, “The Dance”, premiered when I was fourteen years old. I don’t recall listening to Fleetwood Mac before then but became transfixed when I saw the music video (more…)
June 15, 2010 by
Writing

Secrets

Remember Conan O’Brien’s “Secrets“? I vaguely do.
But I know I love reading Post Secret.
So much so that I eventually begin wishing that I’m as royally fucked up as the people who submit on there just so I can feel something.

So in honor of telling secrets, I’m sharing a butt load of them today. My Mom would say that having some secrets is a good thing, but I say, “Yeah, Mom and not taking your pants off during karaoke is a good thing, but sometimes you have to do it.”

Lauren’s Secrets:
-The anthem to my epic move from Los Angeles to Austin was “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon.

-My introduction to adolescent sexual yearning was via a B&W photo of a shirtless Elton John.

-I once received on the behalf of a celebrity I worked for, a very expensive bottle of vodka in a giant, sculpted block of ice. I immediately thawed the vodka out of the block of ice and drank a third of the bottle at 6PM on a Friday night at work. Within 20 minutes of drinking the vodka, I called everyone I knew crying, (more…)
June 11, 2010 by
Writing

It’s Rick Moranis Day!

A childhood fascination of mine that has transcended into adulthood is my love of nerds. Short nerds, tall nerds, young nerds, old nerds, aesthetically questionable nerds, sexually subordinate nerds- it doesn’t matter. The more socially awkward the better.

Where did this love come from? I’m not sure. Believe me, if I knew, I wouldn’t have spent all that money seeing a psychotherapist on Saturdays and then supplementing my emotional purging with a trip to Golden Corral after every visit.

Maybe it was from the hours of watching “Back to the Future”. Somewhere between the ages of four and six I discovered that Doc Brown could get my latent sexuality flux capacitor up to 1.21 gigawatts. It wasn’t long after that that I ached to get a glimpse of Egon Spengler’s proton pack. By the time I was ten, Lord have mercy for I was powerless to the charms of Dr. Ian Malcolm. I dreamt of making sweet Goldblum love to him in the foothills of misty mountains while being scouted by vicious velociraptors.

June 10, 2010 by
Writing

Let’s Take Bets on How Well I’ll Handle Encouraged Criticism

“My name is Lauren.

I have a New York driver’s license, a Los Angeles mailing address, and a Austin physical address.
I have no idea what I’m doing.”

I have no idea what I’m doing.
Sounds about right.

It has been little over a year since Hipstercrite took form and wobbled it’s way through the blogging world. Though I’m proud of how far she’s gotten, I can’t help but feel she has been equally clueless in her quest as her writer.
So with that being said, I’d love to hear your feedback.
What subject matter do you enjoy seeing the most? The least?
Do you like seeing pictures of me pretending not to be that interested in taking pics of myself? Or do you absolutely despise it?
Do you like funny stories? Serious stories? Personal? Impersonal?
Would you like a more themed blog such as specifically dealing with music, movies, dating, Austin, or general twenty-something blah blah blahing?

Tell me what keeps you coming back. Tell me what posts make you scrunch up your face and go, “Well, she seems like an asshole.” (more…)

June 8, 2010 by
Writing

A Burger Short of a Combo Meal

My next post should be the 3rd installment of my date with “The Beautiful, Yet Doltish Unemployed Actor Who Liked Nickelback“, but I got bored with the story. Here is the ending- we dated for a month, I realized that he was a few peas short of a casserole, he accused me of faking my interest in him due to the fact that I may or may not have made the face below the entire three unnecessarily loud minutes we knocked boots, he banished me to my own couch, we parted ways the next morning not before he asked me what the difference between a PC and a Mac is and if a Mac can get on the internet. He recently reached out to me on Facebook explaining that he’s working as a waiter at a chain restaurant in Dallas and that’s about it. I noticed on his profile page that his girlfriend’s birth year has a “9” as the third digit in. His is a “7”.
So in replace of that, here are some photos of our adventures next to a dumpster and in a shower this weekend.
I’m lucky to know the lovely Annie and Emily below. (more…)
June 7, 2010 by