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Writing

Hairy Gay Men

 

As I anxiously await the Austin Bloggers Bleet-Up tomorrow, I’ve been biding my time (i.e. becoming categorically obsessed) with checking my blog referrals. I feel like I’ve suddenly been given a super human power. The power of peering into the human psyche and realizing that the entire world is one giant gay man.
Do you know the most commonly searched item in where my blog pops up, is “Hairy Gay Men” or “hairygaymen” (for you lazy people who don’t like to hit the space bar, or does combining the words together symbolize some kinky shit that I don’t understand?). Other search items are variations of the former such as “OLD GAY MEN ON VACATION PICTURES” and “Sailor Gay Man“.
My favorite searches are probably “My roommate is like the one in Single White Female” and “Ice Buckets in Downtown L.A.” (who Googles that?….or does it symbolize some kinky shit that I don’t understand?)
Other honorbale mentions include:
Caleb Followill Sexy Dancing
Ruth Fisher Worst Character
November 4, 2009 by
Austin

Austin Bleet-Up

I’m sure you’re all getting sick of me gushing about Austin.
Tough shit.
One of the many reasons why this town rocks is the blogging community. Not only have they welcomed me in with open arms, but they’ve also spread my name around town (good thing I haven’t slept with any of them).
Thanks to Austin Eavesdropper, I’ll finally get to put faces to the blogs this Thursday at the Austin Bleet-Up at the Mohawk. Make sure to RSVP.
For all of you folks wishin’ you lived in such a cool town, see what you’re missing! Here is a list of some of the best bloggers, scenesters, and movers and shakers in Austin.
Austin friends, who am I forgetting? I still don’t know everyone yet…
Also, if you’re an Austin blogger and we haven’t met, send me your URL.

-Austin Eavesdropper– Mama blogger of Austin. If you want to know what’s going on in town, this blog is a must.
-Sailor Legs– One of my new favorite Austin bloggers that I can’t wait to actually talk to (instead of shout at while both costumed).
-Party Ends(more…)
November 2, 2009 by
Writing

Snot Pouring Out of My Nose

I enthusiastically signed up to show creations at the Art Night Austin on November 12th totally forgetting that I am not an artist.
I’ve thought about doing a macaroni portrait of Pee-Wee Herman, but figured that that would take too long to create. Also, I wouldn’t want to sell it to anyone. I’d want to hang it above my bed next to the Frank Zappa mask I made for my “General Religion” course in college. Our final project was to make plaster masks of our faces, put the masks under our pillows and dream on them, and then paint the dream on the mask. I dreamt that I was Frank Zappa.
A Frank Zappa mask earned me an overall A+ in a religion course.
Who said college is a waste of time?
One project that I’ve flirted around with is doing something with all the drunk photos I took of myself during my 22nd year of life. Now these aren’t sexy drunken photos (but are they really ever?). These are bottom-of-the-barrel-crying-like-a-little-bitch-swollen-nose-drooling-lying-on-the-floor-moaning photos. (more…)
October 29, 2009 by
Austin

Halloween, FlipScene-Style

Well it seems that everyone and their mother has been talking about the FlipScene Halloween Bash w/ Neiliyo, Learning Secrets, Markus with a K et al. tonight at The Mohawk. I will be there snapping shots for Chrontourage, most likely dressed as this guy:

So if you see a Chuck Bass walking around with a scotch in one hand and a Canon Rebel in the other, please say hi. I can’t wait to meet some of you (only some).
October 28, 2009 by
Writing

The Mystery Man

I looked down on the shelf and saw Robert Blake looking back up at me.

He was dressed in a police uniform and had a very intense look on his face. The sort of stare that actors in the 60’s gave to add depth to their performance. Like Zoolander.
I picked up the VHS box for “Electra Glide in Blue” and felt my heart pinch just a little.
Then a combination of guilt and disgust quickly washed it away.
“You know, I’ve never seen this movie,” I said to Marc, tapping the empty box on my arm.
Marc works at I Luv Video in Austin. One of the largest independent movie rental houses in the country and where Quentin Tarantino will most likely be buried . Marc and I went to film school together and lost touch until we met up in L.A. He was in a band, I was in the film business. We cuddled to “Funeral” by Arcade Fire. He left the band to do some sort ecological job that I can never recall. I left the film business to stop myself from driving my car off the PCH. We lost touch and wandered around (more…)
October 21, 2009 by
Writing

Choose Your Own Adventure

 

I’ve discovered as of late, that my creative output is directly related to the amount of uncomfortable experiences I encounter on a weekly basis (for example, last week’s run-in with my housemate who tried doing her best impression of Danny Bonaduce circa 1989) . When my life is traversing down the proverbial road, resembling a drunk driver looking for the glowing beacon of an all-night Taco Bell, my writing is at it’s peak. When I work 12 hour days and fall asleep in my work clothes at 10PM next to a bottle of Don Juilo, my writing lags. So, in order for me to fulfill the promise I made to myself as I drove east from California to Texas with no plan other than to write, I’m will begin actively seeking out fish-out-of-water scenarios for myself and the sake of my writing.
Here are some examples of what I would like to experience:
-I’ve always wanted to drive through the bayou and “accidently” come across an old Southern Baptist church. A heavenly light will gleam through the (more…)
October 19, 2009 by
Writing

Writers With Boobies

funny enough, this writer has no boobies

I’m one of those assholes that has four million dude friends, and like, two friends that can confidently say they have vaginas.

Ever since I was a young’en, I naturally gravitated towards the male gender (I always fancied myself as Annie Hall talking to her psychiatrist about penis envy). I typically listen to male vocalists- David Byrne, David Bowie, Danny Elfman (I love me some men with “D” names). I read books by males- David Sedaris, Chuck Klosterman, and Bret Easton Ellis (ugh…can I get anymore disgustingly hipster?) and my favorite performers are Crispin Glover, Paul Reubens, and Gene Wilder (all whom at one point or another I had mad crushes on).

So it comes as a great and wonderful surprise that my favorite blogs are run by the most incredible people out there without penises!
If you’re one of those folks that enjoys reading blogs (when you should really be working, jackass! i see you!!!), but can never figure out where to find them, well look (more…)
October 15, 2009 by
Writing

Single White Female (But Without the Stalking Part)

My current roommate is bat shit crazy.

Now, I know people throw the term around loosely (“Dude, my colon just went bat shit crazy after I ate that four day-old Indian food), however, my roommate is truly bat shit crazy (I just Googled the origin of “bat shit crazy” and no one seems to know where it came from. There are some very heavy duty theories involving Native Americans collecting guano in caves, the guano containing parasites, and the parasites attacking the humans therefore making the host “bat shit crazy”. In my mind, “bat shit crazy” looks like someone crawling around on their hands and knees with cartoon popped-out eyes licking bat shit off the ground. Like how Christopher Lloyd looked in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”, but instead of getting rolled over by a steam roller, he licks poop off the ground).

I started writing this piece a few days ago when I thought the craziness had reached it’s peak.

It was far from over.

Right now, I’m sitting in my house watching cops escort (more…)

October 11, 2009 by
Austin

Break-Dancing Pregnant Ladies and Sh*t-Flinging Hipster Chicks


Friday Oct. 2nd Day #1

8AM: Dream about Billy Ocean without really knowing what Billy Ocean looks like. Wake up slightly aroused.

8:15AM: Lay in bed listening to your 47 year-old roommate singing folk songs in the shower.

8:32AM: In the shower, notice that your razor blade is as dull as a Harrison Ford interview and decide that unshaven legs are appropriate for a day where truck loads of jobless, unshowered trust fund babies arrive into town for the Austin City Limits music festival. The #2 festival in Austin. The Frank Stallone, DeDee Pfeiffer, or Roger Clinton of South by Southwest.

8:45AM: Discover that the road from your house into town is blocked off due to the festival. Drive around for forty-five minutes, then eventually find office located only five miles away.

9:30AM: Curse the words “Austin”, “City”, and “Limits” and laugh maniacally when John Aielli informs radio listeners that it will rain all weekend.

9:31: Arrive at the office delirious and hungry. Office is vacant due to your (more…)

October 4, 2009 by
Writing

What I Learned While On Vacation with My Mother in New York

1. ) I erroneously figured that of all people on this wonderful and diverse planet, my 82 year-old Jewish Grandmother would share the same amount enthusiasm for the lamé fanny pack as I. Imagine my genuine surprise when she did not. In fact, when I showed her the image of the fanny pack online, and with high inflection said, “You want one of those?”, she wrinkled up her nose and gave me a look that said, “Do I look like a huge asshole?”. A wave of heartbreak overcame me. Of all people! The woman who wears heels to the gym!
I momentarily had forgotten that she was the sovereign of fashion in the family and she immediately washed away my forlorn with the offer of her laced trimmed black leggings (In this photo, she is wearing my nonprescription American Apparel glasses. She is being ironic).


2.) Pilots that misjudge how much fuel the airplane has and then break the door to the craft, are asked not to fly your plane any longer. In fact, the airline will ask an off-duty pilot sitting in seat (more…)

October 2, 2009 by