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Come Run Away to the Beautiful Salton Sea!

You know those days when you hate everything?
When you want to slap a random stranger’s face off or you feel like telling a small child that we’re all dying.

The days when you want to run away from it all?
Maybe pretend your a strung-out alt-folk musician and move to a cabin in the Tennessean backwoods or live with the grizzly bears in wherever the hell that crazy guy lived with them? 
Or maybe, just maybe, in a toxic wasteland hidden in the deserts of Southern California where the beaches are made of fish bones and the air smells of decaying wildlife? Where houses and public spaces have been abandoned and the only sign of life is the occasional farm truck that kicks up dust in the empty streets? 
Yeah, sometimes I want to run away to there. 
However, I quickly learned after visiting this place, The Salton Sea, that 110 degree California desert + dead fish= millions of flies and a smell unlike anything you’ve ever smelled in your life. Plus living amongst self-governed meth manufacturers without (more…)
August 17, 2009 by
Writing

The Blum and I

Last night, I came across an enjoyable little mockumentary called PITTSBURGH starring Jeff Goldblum. The film follows Jeff, his (cough) 23 year-old fiance, and his friends Ileana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr. as they star in Jeff’s hometown stage revival of “The Music Man”. Jeff Goldblum pretending to be Jeff Goldlbum is always a winner . I could watch the dude talk to his hands. This movie is worth checking out if you’re a fan of the Brundlefly.

Ah, Jeff Goldblum…

I had the pleasure of working with Jeff once.

The movie was a real stinker, but that didn’t stop Jeff from treating it as if it were Oscar gold. I was very anxious to meet him. You see, I had had a whale-size crush on him when I was ten years-old. It was the year of JURASSIC PARK and even though I didn’t know what sexy was (I still don’t), I knew that there was something special about this man. His tall stature, his Mediterranean complexion, the way he talked, the way he delivered his lines, the way he moved his hands made my little (more…)

August 14, 2009 by
Writing

The Return of Pee-Wee Herman

FINALLY!

I’ve been waiting 18 years for this mother f’ing day.
It was announced yesterday that Paul Reubens will be reviving “The Pee-Wee Herman Show” with a limited run in November at Los Angeles’ Henry Fonda Theater. According to reports, many of the original cast and puppets will be back. Not to be confused with “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse”, “The Pee-Wee Herman Show” was Paul Reubens‘ original stage show performed at The Groundlings Theater, then Roxy Theater in early 80’s Los Angeles. The success of the show and gaining popularity of the Pee-Wee character led to the making of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure in 1985.
A couple of years ago, I was at a film premiere in Hollywood that happened to star Paul. My friend who was a producer on the project knew my child-like fervor for Pee-Wee and introduced me to him. Now, I’ve worked with and met a lot of famous people but no one, NO ONE, made me as weak in the knees as Paul Reubens. He was quiet and shy and probably could have given two shits to have (more…)
August 11, 2009 by
Writing

Cary Grant Is the Reason You Can’t Get Laid

Is your love life in shambles? Do you find yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over? Do you feel like you will never meet the right guy or girl, or when you do meet them, they don’t seem to want you? Well, put down that copy of “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” that you never read anyways and listen to me very carefully; I have found the answer: Your love life is in the shitter all because of Cary Grant.
Every man wants to be Cary Grant and every woman wants Cary Grant, but the truth is, Cary Grant doesn’t exist. He never existed. Cary Grant was even quoted as saying, “Yeah, that sweet ass mo-fo up on the big screen? He’s not real.” In real-life, Archibald Leach could be a real f’ing turd. His first wife claimed that he hit her and his fourth wife, Dyan Cannon, alleged that he would spank her during rows (that part doesn’t sound that bad).
Cary Grant was the perfect illusion of what a real man should be- dignified and diplomatic, impeccable manners, chiseled features, (more…)
August 10, 2009 by
Austin

Andy Warhol’s 81st Birthday

You know why Austin is the coolest place that ever existed?!
Because not only do we host Twin Peaks costume parties, Michael Jackson sing-alongs, dances centered around foot fetishism, and the National Karaoke League, we celebrate Andy Warhol’s birthday a la Factory style!
The Plastic Exploding Inevitable 2009 was hosted by Massive Beacon at the Mohawk last night with a crowd close to 400 people. Edie’s Revenge played a Velvet Underground set and PJ and the Bear showed up in their Marc Bolan-fucks-a-teddy-bear regalia. The crowd was full of shoddy Andy’s (one young man/asshole wore cargo shorts, a silk vest with no shirt, and a “Grandma” wig), beautiful Edie’s, a couple of Nicos, one Candy Darling, and, me, one very sweaty, very sober Truman Capote with a camera in my hand taking photos for the Austin Chronicle Chrontourage (suit + bow-tie + suspenders + hot Texas summer night = delusions and anger).
Though the stacks of Brillo boxes did not make their planned appearance, there was silk screening (more…)
August 6, 2009 by
Writing

Awards & Secrets

My blog has won an award. I’m not sure how, but it did.
Someone cool (cool= lives in Chelsea and talks about masturbation) actually liked my blog enough to mention it in her blog and give me an the “Honest Scrap Award.”

Her name is Hannah Miet* and her hair makes me think of LES circa 1977. Or Gene Wilder. 
Either way, I’m jealous.
Check out her blog, My Soul is a Butterfly. You won’t be disappointed. She’s a fantastic writer and has quickly become one of my favorite bloggers. Her wit and honesty is refreshing.

THE HONEST SCRAP AWARD

I’m not sure where this award originated from but it appears that I’m now obligated to tell ten secrets about myself and award ten blogs that I fancy. Unfortunately,  I only have 5 secrets and 3 blogs. Quality over quantity I always say, but the truth is, I have the attention span of a retarded squirrel when it comes to following instructions.

For those who want to follow the instructions:
1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must (more…)
August 1, 2009 by
Writing

Mannequin Babies

Mannequin babies like to go to work with Mommy wearing the same exact outfit.
Skippy is giving Mommy problems with his beret. He keeps wanting to take it off.
Mommy doesn’t understand why Skippy keeps taking off the wool beret.
Mommy is wearing the beret so Skippy has to wear it too.
The beret makes you look nice, Skippy!
Don’t take off the damn beret!


This kid is a real pain in the ass, Mommy thinks.
So what if it’s 102 degrees out?
The beret compliments the outfit!
The outfit will not be the same without the beret!
Mommy and Skippy have to match!


Smile for the camera, Skippy!
Look up!
Don’t touch the damn beret or we’re going back inside and we’re changing out of matching outfits.
You want that?
I didn’t think so.
Now smile.
SMILE!


Look in that window, Skippy.
See what happens to mannequin babies that talk back to Mommy?
They get placed in American Apparel windows and forced to wear lamé leggings.
You don’t want your bow tie taken away from you, do you?
DO YOU?

July 29, 2009 by
Austin

Austin Day 302 Pt. 1 (Klosterman)

This weekend was epic. It was objective. It started where it all began….

Saturday 7/25 1:01PM
…At Jo’s Coffee on South Congress. A scenester joint that never expires in people watching options. The last time I wrote in this journal, I spoke of a lone cow named Molly who daydreams about taking a road trip. It was my five second attempt at writing a children’s story. It was boring.
I have a run in my pantyhose. However, it’s only in one leg. So does that make it a run in my pantyho?
I’m trying my best to look like Deborah Harry today because I’m going to an 80’s dance party/concert this evening fronted by a blind keyboardist with a foot fetish*.
Every time I attempt to look like Deborah Harry I’m disappointed because I realize that I look nothing like Deborah Harry and no amount of red lipstick and hair bleach will change that. She has a near perfect face. I’m told I look like Sarah Jessica Parker. She has a very imbalanced face. I’m not saying she’s ugly. I’m just saying that her eyes are (more…)
July 27, 2009 by
Writing

California Select at American Apparel

Today, my mug made the American Apparel Daily Update email. I’m not sure how and why for I’m probably the least American Apparel looking employee that ever existed.
See? Do I look like them???

Oops….never mind…
Anyways…
The photo and update above are advertising American Apparel’s vintage line, California Select.
Select American Apparel retail stores in North America, Europe, and Australia carry hand-picked vintage items from around the world. You can see examples of the items we carry at our Cali Select blog. Yes, come look at us silly hipsters frolicking through L.A., NYC, and Austin wearing stuff we used to make fun of our parents for having in their closets.
*Side note- I work at American Apparel on the weekend. I work at this fantastic multi-media production company in Austin during the week. We’re called Super!Alright! and we are super alright.
July 22, 2009 by
Writing

When Parents Join Facebook!

God, I remember the day like it was yesterday.

It was a Monday.
Just like any other Monday, really.

I was sitting at my desk, fielding through emails and phone calls as usual.
A notice popped up saying I had a new message in my personal inbox.
Wow…looking back, it feels like everything happened in slow motion after that…

I remember dragging the cursor to the open web browser. I remember the placement of the web browser window on my desktop. Not a full screen, and a little off to the right. I remember that the sun was shining and it was 72 degress. I remember that I was wearing a green “Ramones” shirt and I was smiling…
I was smiling.

Then I remember seeing in big black bold letters:
“Your father wants to be your friend on Facebook!”

NOOOOOO!!!!!
How did this happen???

I stared at the email for a good five minutes. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move.
I didn’t know what to do.
Do I befriend my father and risk him exposing the pseudo-literate/cultured facade I’ve worked so hard to create for my (more…)
July 16, 2009 by