My mother wanted to keep me in an arrested state of development. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s that most parents don’t want to see their little babies grow up. Or maybe they don’t want us to become familiar with our burgeoning sexuality and have us shame the family by getting knocked up at 15. Maybe they’re just prude. Or asexual. Which might both be the case with my mother (Yo Mom, if you’re reading this, STOP RIGHT NOW!)

At 13 when most girls had freshly shaved appendages and a new found interest in what Victoria’s Secret had to offer, I was still tomboyin‘ it with furry legs and a sports bra that may or may not have stunted my breast growth. Mom told me there was no reason to grow up so quickly and like so many stupid stupid children, I believed what my mother told me.

Take for example her neglecting to introduce me to tampons.

For years, when I got my period, I’d walk around with a bulky pad between my legs. The official adult diaper (no, well, I guess that would be Depends, wouldn’t it?). (more…)

(This is a recycled story because I’ve been dried up, burnt out, and with head in the sky)

Standing before me, amongst the big sky backdrop of Suburbia, Texas, stood Super Wal-Mart and Super Target.

I needed toothpaste and undereye concealer (a necessity ever since 7th grade when a classmate told the school I was a cocaine addict), so I decided on the lesser of the two evils and pulled into the stadium size parking lot of Super Target*.

Super Target boasts a grocery store AND retail store. Anything you could possibly want can be found there. You can furnish your entire house, fill up your refrigerator, flare up your closet, and entertain yourself with a plethora of options at Super Target. Want California grown avocados? Super Target’s got ’em! Want visually displeasing bedding from a sell-out designer? Look no further! Need your fix of forced sardonic dialogue and excessive pop culture references? Get the entire series of “Gilmore Girls” on DVD…at Super Target!

It’s easy to get side tracked (more…)

Is the name of our karaoke team.

And we f’ing rock.

Eight of us, led by Captain Adley, are part of the National Karaoke League in Austin, TX.

Last Thursday we all met and sang for the first time as “Steve Perry’s Excellent Adventure”. This Thursday the season begins…and there will be blood (and drinking of other people’s milkshakes).

Check out the official Flickr page. Our team is green. Just in color, not in ability.

For more info on the National Karaoke League, click here.

Adley, Colby, Nolan, Mandy, Yvette, Ludwig, and Bindiya
Mandy, Yvette, Ludwig, and Bindiya

Aldey, Colby, and Nolan

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I covered the FANBOYS opening at the Alamo Ritz on 2/6 for the Austin Chronicle’s Chrontourage. Here is what I reported:

“I walked up to the Ritz on Friday night to find a bevy of Darth Vaders wandering the sidewalk. I was entering foreign territory. Though I worked on the film, I was not a fangirl myself, and I was intimidated by the dense fog of Star Wars lust that hung over the theater. I quickly went inside, but my uneasiness was magnified when a Stormtrooper sat next to me and proceeded to describe every fan convention he’s ever been to. When I turned to get away, I was blocked by men and women with lightsabers waiting to go onstage for the costume contest. My nerves frayed when I noticed how many of them were children! I sat there anxiously as screenwriter Ernest Cline introduced the movie and explained how it had been ten years in the making (Ernie wrote it here in Austin, Harry Knowles championed it, eventually Kevin Spacey produced it, and Weinstein Co. distributed it- not without (more…)

I had this dream once that I was Andy Warhol. Not like the cool, Svengali NYC socialite/innovator/icon Andy, but the gay, badly toupeed, shot up Andy. It was really weird.

So I rented a loft in Downtown L.A. to try and feed this dream. I mean I went through the trouble of dying a toupee white and searching for young boys on the street to piss on my paintings, but it didn’t work well for me.

I wanted the most industrial, gritty place I could fine. Low and behold my surprise when it didn’t look like The W Hotel inside. The loft had fleas. It had rats. I got bites from the fleas on the rats. It had no hot water. It had a kitchen that was abandoned a quarter of the way through completion. It was sticky. I’d wake up with welts on my body from God only knows what. It had a few inches of filth that had accumulated over the years during it’s previous life as a sweat shop. I was living in post-apocalyptic, BLADE RUNNER type shit. As sexy as it sounds, you don’t want your home to be that. Do (more…)

I’m an only child of divorce. That’s like, two strikes against me right there (my third, fourth, and fifth strike being I’m female, Jewish, and Gemini as well). Marriage and having kids has never been an ambition of mine. I mean, I’m not against the idea. I’ve always displayed mild interest in the concept. Maybe one day I’ll live in a turn-of-the century cottage in a mid-size city in a good school district with my graphic designer husband and two children named Juniper and Hugo OR maybe, just maybe, I’ll live in a glass house over-looking a jumbo-size city watching all the people down below, afraid to touch them, afraid of anything that would make me normal and my only friend is my butler who carries me to bed every evening after get annihilated on sherry and anise liqueur.

This is what I do while on break. I write eHow articles on how to be fictional characters from TV shows based off young adult novels.

How to be Chuck Bass

Everyone is in love with Gossip Girl’s resident bad boy Chuck Bass. Those bow ties! That sneer! Those condescending, degrading, misogynistic quips! Here is the How-to on being the mythological anti-hero that is Charles Bartholomew Bass.

1.) Begin and end sentences by saying, “I am (insert first and last name)”. Don’t ever let people forget who you are. Extra points if you start referring to yourself in the third person.

2.) For daywear, embrace the three P’s- pink, plaid, and preppy. No color is too bold, no pattern is too tacky, and no outfit is too Hamptons weekendy for a Chuck Bass wannabe. *Tip- Make sure to always turn your collar up

Click to read more…

All the characters names from “Six Feet Under”.

It took me awhile, but after alternating four blankets and a wet washcloth on my forehead a couple of times, I was able to think of all the lead characters’ names:

Nate Fisher
David Fisher
Claire Fisher
Ruth Fisher
Nathanial Fisher
Brenda Chenowith
Billy Chenowith
Fredrico

That was all I came up with. I exerted a lot of energy trying to remember Lili Taylor’s character’s name, but I gave up and eventually fell asleep. I thought it was maybe Lisa and I guess I was right.

“Six Feet Under” came to mind because I thought I was going to die like Nate last night. I was like, “Ok, as soon as you start talking funny, you’re going to collapse and die.” Then I thought about how incredibly hot Peter Krause is. Then I thought about how his character had a weird brain condition and died at 40. Then I thought about how I want a dude that looks like Peter Krause. Then I thought about how whiny his character was.

Oh shit, sorry, just gave away the ending of the show. (more…)