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Pop Culture, Writing

An Open Letter to People Who Flip Off Cameras

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Dear People Who Flip Off  Cameras,

I originally wrote “Dear Douchebags” in my salutation, but didn’t want to seem so bitter. However, that is what you indeed look like, a douchebag, when you flip off the camera.

I’m writing to you today because after viewing the 100th photo of one of your kind flipping off the camera for NO APPARENT REASON on my Facebook feed yesterday, something in me snapped: I began deleting your kind from my friend list. It takes a lot for me to de-friend someone (the only other people I delete are the ones who post about Jesus, IN CAPS, every ten minutes- do you want to fall into the same category as them?), but I got so tired of being flipped off for shits and giggles that I decided to remove any trace of your unnecessary sign language from my vision. Now, of course, because you are the sort of person who likes to flip off the camera, and likes to show the world that you have a laissez-faire attitude towards life, you would respond to my previous (more…)

November 26, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life

What I’m Thankful For: Jeff Goldblum’s Hands, Magic Eraser & Denny’s

1.) I am thankful for Jeff Goldblum’s hands. Those hands touched my nose once. They also probably touched 4 million vaginas and the thought of 4 million vaginas touching my nose is scary, but I’m still thankful for his hands.

2.) I am thankful for David Bowie’s weird eye. I’m sure he’s thankful now, but when he got stabbed in the eye, he probably wasn’t thankful. In fact, he was probably screaming in pain and cursing life for being so cruel.

3.) I am thankful for Denny’s. When the real world gets to be too much and I’m tired of having to act like a concerned and responsible adult, I can crawl underneath the fiberglass booths and weep for the days of my childhood on the Moons Over My Hammy-stained carpets.

4.) I am thankful that Austin now has an H&M though I’m too terrified of the long lines to actually go in there.

5.) I am thankful for Mrs. Meyer’s Basil-scented hand soap. Sometimes when I have nothing better to do, I will take a bottle of this soap and (more…)

November 20, 2012 by
Austin, Pop Culture

10 Reasons Why Austin Should Secede From Texas

As you may know, some individuals in our beloved state of Texas are petitioning to secede from the union. As of now there are over 100,000 signatures for Texas to go rogue.

Well, Austin has decided to one-up Texas and start a petition to secede from the state and join the union.

Hey, I love Texas as much as the next person, but if some of y’all are going to be a bunch of boobs, why not secede from Texas?

Below are the top ten reasons why Austin should become its own state.

And P.S., to all you Texans outside of Austin reading this, I very much love this state I live in (except for the majority of its politics) and this is all in good fun. Please don’t stone me.

 

10 Reasons Why Austin Should Secede From Texas

1.) We will no longer be referred to as “A blue dot in a red state”, but rather “A blue state in a red whatever the hell you are now”

2.) No longer under the tyranny of Governor Rick Perry, we can finally elect Lloyd Doggett as governor of Austin.

3.) (more…)

November 16, 2012 by
Hipstercrite Life

10 Ways For Artists to Fight Doubt and Insecurity

“You! You right there! You suck AT LIFE, mother fucker!”

For almost two years now, people have paid me to write for them. In the past year, I went strictly freelance and in doing so, my paid writing work picked up.

I feel very fortunate.

Actually, most of the time I feel completely bewildered.

Scared.

Confused.

Insecure.

Gassy.

Every day I envision a Russian totalitarian figure a la propagandic style standing tall amongst a backdrop of fire, pointing a giant forefinger at me and shouting, “YOU are obsolete! YOU have no idea what you are doing!”; a fleet of angular soldiers in perfect unison come to whisk me away and save humanity from the disease known as my poor prose.

I’m still not exactly sure where semicolons go and you will never see me use a word like “perfunctory” in a sentence. I’m not even sure what that means. Granted, I DON’T HAVE AN EDITOR TO FIX MY MISTAKES!

This is an insecurity I mostly keep to myself because, well, nothing is more unattractive (more…)

November 15, 2012 by
Austin, Fashion/Design

Top Ten Reasons I’m Excited H&M is Opening in Austin

Holy Mother of God! H&M is opening in Austin this Saturday 11/17 at The Domain.

Here are the top ten reasons why I’m so f’ing excited:

1.) Located at The Domain, we will be as far away from the “F1 people” as possible.

 2.) I can finally feel good about my tax money going towards the construction of the monstrosity known as The Domain.

3.) I can stop feeling culturally inferior to my friends in NYC and LA.

4.) Since H&M will be located closer to the Ikea in Round Rock, we can propose to the city that we have an annual “Happy Swedish Products in America Day” and take the day off to get lost in both stores.

5.) We no longer have to start hyperventilating when we come across a rare, used H&M clothing item at one of Austin’s thrift or vintage stores.

6.) With over 24,000 square feet and two stories of retail space, it will be easier for me to hide behind a row of clothing and get locked in the store overnight.

 7.) We no longer have to carry an extra empty (more…)

November 13, 2012 by
Austin, Fashion/Design

Winner of the Vinca Jewelry Giveaway, I Wear Chest Hair on My Face For You

Sorry for the delay in announcing the winner of the Vinca mustache jewelry giveaway!

Yesterday I was feeling just too damn lazy to record a video of myself. Yesterday I spent the day watching puppy and kitten videos.

I was kind of feeling lazy today too, so I will warn you that in this video I:

a.) Just got out of bed, therefore have no makeup on to cover up the circles of darkness under my allergy-riddled eyes

b.) Didn’t brush my teeth, but luckily you can’t smell my breath through the video

c.) Wear chest hair on my face

I do not wake up with chest hair on my face. I spirit gummed the living shit out of the chest hair and stuck it to my face. This means I will have glossy glue patches on my chin for the rest of the day, but you’re worth it.

If you’re the winner of the giveaway, please shoot me an email at laurenmodery at gmail dot com!

I wish I could give you all the gift of mustaches, but I will be having more giveaways soon! Also, Vinca’s jewelry is super affordable (more…)

November 13, 2012 by
Fashion/Design, Pop Culture

What I Wore Today: Tacky Christmas Sweater Tee

This is my second “What I Wore Today” post this week, deal with it.

My brain has been a big pile of mush as of lately so the best I can do is post pictures, write short paragraphs and watch squirrels play in the yard.

However, this is a very special “What I Wore Today” post because I’m wearing a kick-ass t-shirt from New Orleans t-shirt company, Skip N’ Whistle.

I’m a big fan of their “Tacky X-mas Sweater T-Shirt” series, which is currently for sale on Fab.

My tee has dancing reindeer on it, but other shirts include prancing cats, dinoasaurs and combative unicorns.

HOW MANY SHIRTS DO YOU HAVE WITH COMBATIVE UNICORNS ON IT, HUH?

I bet you NONE!

Since “fall is hotter than balls” (Austin’s new official city slogan), I’m digging that I don’t actually have to wear a tacky X-mas sweater to wear a tacky X-mas sweater in the holiday season.

On a side note, I suck MAJOR ASS as taking selfsies. How the hell do you teenyboppers do it? It took me hours to get a shot that I liked (more…)

November 9, 2012 by
Austin, Film, Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture, Writing

Holy Crap! We Made a Movie and It’s Almost Finished!

Last year, I co-wrote and co-produced a movie called Loves Her Gun.

It still seems like a dream that the film even happened.

One day we were coming up with an idea for a movie, the next day we were shooting it. For a month.

And in that time, I don’t think I slept, took a proper bowel movement or tended to my daily needs such as personal hygiene or eating.

Filmmaking is both an exhilarating and exhausting experience.

Guerrilla filmmaking is both those things times TEN MILLION HUNDRED!

Imagine feeding a crew of 30 on no budget (sorry, guys…I’m glad you liked the cream cheese sandwiches though), housing five-ten people in your home, driving an old-school RV half-way across the country in 30 hours, experiencing a devastating wildfire that effected the lives of several of our crew members, working on a movie with your boyfriend and generally feeling like poo-poo that you can’t pay people Hollywood pay because you’re a little movie mostly funded by credit cards.

THAT (more…)

November 8, 2012 by
Fashion/Design, Pop Culture

When Steampunk Lighting Gives You a Cotton Gin-Sized Boner

Whoa.

Election parties, tequila and allergy headaches DO NOT mix.

I have no idea what year it is, let alone what day.

Did Kennedy end up winning last night?

While I try to discern what planet I’m on, the best post I can write today is one about how I love lamp.

Sometimes I even love more than one lamp.

Particularly old-timey ones.

You know, that steampunk shit you see popping up in the 1920s Parisian-themed bathrooms of the new gastropubs in town?

Ohhhh man, do I get a cotton gin-sized boner for this stuff.

Check out some neat-o lighting I found for sale, including discounted fixtures at the Scoutmob Shoppe and some neat-o objects made by Geoff’s uncle up in Dallas.

I want to buy them alllllllll and make my house look like Nikola Tesla’s lab.

 

$120

$125

$375

$75

$475

$279

November 7, 2012 by