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national parks

Travel

Our National Parks Are in Trouble & Need Our Help

I imagined a National Park Service employee sitting at a metal desk in a one-room office somewhere in small-town South Dakota saying to no one, “F this. I’m going rogue, y’all.”

And when Death Valley National Park tweeted yesterday about Japanese internment camps on the same day that Donald Trump used executive order to build a wall between America and Mexico, I nearly shat myself.

In this case I imagined that all the National Park Service social media managers jumped on Slack or fax machine to share their plans on how to troll Trump. That effort may have led to the creation of the Twitter account @AltUSNatParkService — “the Unofficial ‘Resistance’ team of U.S. National Park Service” — though news outlets are having a hard time confirming if the account is indeed curated by current National Park Service employees. (AltUsNatParkService announced this morning that they’re passing the reins to activists and journalists.)

Let me just say this: I f’ing love our National Parks.

I’ve (more…)

January 26, 2017 by
Writing

My 2017 Resolutions by Theodore Roosevelt

theodore roosevelt

(This is my first McSweeney’s rejection. Please enjoy! No, really. Please enjoy it.)

——

My dearest 2017,

Your predecessor was a challenging year for both me and my country, and I aim to put 2016 to bed like the bear I shot through the eyes on my last trek to the wildness of Wyoming.

In order to move forward on my goals for a robust and cheerful 2017, I’ve compiled a list of resolutions to heed.

These resolutions are as follows:

1. Challenge that mollycoddle Mr. Trump to a grizzly bear-wrestling competition. Whoever wins will earn the coveted title of President of Earth. (No need to worry: What I lack in height I make up for in sheer man girth.)

2. Personally protect every goddamn National Park with my militia of mercenaries known as the Teddy Bears.

3. Free climb Mt. Rushmore and draw a black ring around the eye of that pansy Thomas Jefferson.

4. Host a dinner for the current members of the Republican Party where I will smack each of their whiny derrieres with my “big stick” — especially (more…)

January 12, 2017 by
Travel

What I Learned Traveling 20,000 Miles of America

bison yellowstone

The bison of Yellowstone

This year I’ve seen 20,000 beautiful, ugly miles of America.
13,500 from the window of a car.
6,500 from the window of a train.

In 23 states
I saw the endless cattle that feeds us
The horses that serve us
The bison that inspire us
The birds that supply us our daily soundtrack.

In 12 national parks
I saw the bones of dinosaurs
The sacred grounds of the Indigenous
Golden, slithering plains
And snow-capped mountains enveloped by big blue sky.

Across this great, awful nation
I saw families asking to make American great again
Or believing that we are stronger together
Or wanting a political revolution.

Throughout these 20,000 miles
I saw moments of weakness
Of fear
And of hope.

Like the people of Timber Lake, South Dakota, population 443
Who insisted we join them for Thanksgiving dinner
On our way up to Standing Rock.

Like 84-year-old spitfire Winn Bundy
Who (more…)

December 29, 2016 by
Hipstercrite Life, Travel

How Traveling the U.S. Made Me F’ing Love Our National Parks

I must admit: Up until this year I didn’t think much about our national parks.

As a person who appreciates nature, but often stays clear of destinations that draws large crowds, the national parks fell roughly between “meeting Danny DeVito” and “petting a sloth” on my bucket list. (Meaning “nice-to-haves,” not “must-haves.”)

That all changed this summer when a I traveled 5500 miles by car across the great United States of America simply because I’m terrified of flying. And when I say terrified, I mean the last time I took a flight — 3 years ago — I had:

  • Two Xanax
  • Three cocktails
  • One activity tracker that kept telling me my heart rate was over 200 beats per minute.
  • The realization that I was not going to die because of a plane crash but because of a massive heart attack.

Ever since that day, I swore off flying and have strictly traveled by car or train. (You can read about my train travels here.)

So when my mother, a citizen of New York, (more…)

September 19, 2016 by